look for it in the everyday : NPR

A new book suggests that purpose can be found in small, everyday actions that bring us connection and meaning.

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When you think about finding a goal, you might think of it as something big, like starting a nonprofit. But a new book argues that purpose can be found in small, everyday actions that help or support those around us.

The book is called Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. Author Jennifer Wallace explains that scientists have discovered that the need to matter or feel valued by others is fundamental to being human.

“After the search for food and shelter, it is the motivation for importance that determines human behavior,” says Wallace. “It’s this idea of ​​feeling valued by our family, our friends, our colleagues, our community, and having the opportunity to add value to the world around us.”

Studies show that when we suffer from this, it is better for our overall health, especially mental health. “Research finds that this is linked to decreased depression, anxiety, and suicide risk,” says Wallace.

But feeling valued and adding value to the world doesn’t necessarily require big gestures or world-changing ideas, she says.

Seek a goal with a small p

Wallace said in bringing back the book when she asked people, “When did you feel like you mattered?” They never mentioned the big moments of life, she said, just the little ones.

“It was someone who left them a place at the table. It was a colleague who arrived after a difficult meeting. It was a neighbor who stopped by with a pot of soup when they were sick,” she says. So, as humans, we crave significance on a daily basis. We want to matter in the details of life. »

So if you’re looking for purpose and a sense of connection with others, start with small acts of kindness and care toward others.

This might look like “knocking on an elderly neighbor’s door and telling them you’re going to walk their dog,” Wallace suggests, or “reaching out to a single mother in your community who might be struggling.”

At work, you can start by letting your colleagues know when their efforts are making a difference in your work or that of your team. “I came to view it as an appreciation for the perpetrator,” she says.

Not only will these actions make others feel valued, but they will also make you feel valued in return. “During my research, I was struck by how contagious importance is,” she says. When people feel like they matter to others, they want to give it back and pay it forward, she adds.

Adopt the “beautiful mess” effect

Staying connected to others in our workplaces and communities can also make it easier to get through trials or accomplish difficult things, Wallace says.

In one study, researchers asked people to stand at the base of a hill and assess the slope with or without a friend. “The incline didn’t seem as steep when you were there with a friend as it was when you were alone,” says Wallace. In other words, “friendships act as a kind of stress absorber.”

But as Wallace discovered while interviewing people for his book, most people are hesitant to reach out to friends or colleagues when they’re going through difficulties.

They were “reluctant to let people into their messy lives,” she says, thinking their difficulties would distract others.

But in reality, psychologists have discovered the opposite. If you’re going through something, don’t be afraid to share your problems: you might be surprised at how people react.

“It’s these vulnerabilities, this openness to others that make us seem more authentic and bring people closer to us,” says Wallace. Psychologists call this the beautiful disorder effect.

Consider the invitations

Today, when Wallace is going through a difficult time at work, she says she visualizes a hill. “And I say, ‘Who can I bring next to me? To make it less stiff.’

She advises people to do the same when facing personal difficulties. If we’re going through a difficult life transition—a new job, a death in the family, or a big move—Wallace suggests seeking out people who have been through the same situation, inviting them over for coffee, and asking for advice.

“Then harness the power of invitation, both by accepting invitations, but also by issuing invitations,” she suggests.

It can help us build these relationships, even as we receive advice on how to get through a difficult time in life.

In the book, Wallace talks about a woman going through a divorce who felt isolated and took her therapist’s advice to start inviting friends over for dinner. It helped her feel less isolated and more connected during a difficult transition.

She also talks about an overwhelmed public school teacher who invites a few colleagues to a regular lunch. It changes her life: the support she receives from her colleagues helps her find ways to feel less overwhelmed and helps her build relationships at work that make her feel valued.

Take stock of how you matter

None of these acts alone can help us find purpose or feel valued, Wallace notes. It takes all these actions and a lot of daily practice.

Wallace says that since writing this book, she’s implemented a 30-second nightly practice to check in on her day. “Every night before bed, I have a little journal next to my bed and I write down the answer to two questions: ‘When did I feel valued today and where did I add value today?’

The answers to these questions help him close his days with gratitude and self-esteem.