The internet feels super lonely right now. Here’s why

Right now, I’m glued to my phone. Like most people in the United States, I get my news through various apps — social media posts, podcasts, newsletters — and when things blow up (literally), I can’t look away. Minneapolis residents post video updates of protests; experts publish essays on international law and the US attack on Venezuela. I have to eat them all! The strangest thing, though, is that the more I look and read what other people say, the more alone I feel.

This is not a new or unique experience. Sociologists have been talking about it for almost 80 years. In 1950, researchers David Riesman, Nathan Glazer, and Reuel Denney published a book titled The lonely crowdin which they argued that the rise of consumerism and mass media had led to a new personality type that was deeply sensitive to loneliness. They called this personality “other-oriented,” and their descriptions seem surprisingly prescient in our age of social media and AI chatbots.

People led by others are constantly listening to what everyone around them is doing, using the preferences of their peer groups to decide what to buy, wear, and think. Because their values ​​come from their peers rather than their elders or ancestors, they tend to be present-oriented and indifferent to history. Riesman and his colleagues warned that other-oriented people are obsessed with conformity, wanting to “be part of a crowd” and “have fun.” What people led by others fear more than anything is being alone.

All of these personality traits are immediately recognizable to people who use social media, along with peer pressure, parasocial relationships with influencers and – especially these days – surveillance skills. We are always watching ourselves and being watched. And because we’re afraid of being alone, companies create apps designed to make us believe we’re not. This is one of the insidious things about AI chatbots, some of which are designed to act like friends.

There is a paradox in the heart of every person directed towards the other. As much as we want to conform, to be part of the focus group, we also want to feel unique. Riesman and colleagues explained that consumerism itself assuages ​​this other-directed anxiety by offering “false personalization.” You experience this when you find yourself choosing between six practically identical polo shirts in the store. Choosing one may make you feel like there’s a special brand just for you, but basically all of these shirts are the same. You end up wearing a polo shirt like everyone else.

This type of false personalization constantly appears in the algorithms that shape our online experiences. TikTok and other apps offer a “for you” feed filled with videos tailored to your specific tastes. And yet it’s shaped by an algorithm you don’t control, whose purpose is largely to keep your eyes glued to the same app everyone else is glued to. It is “for you” in the service of conformism.

As other-directed people, we are invited to express ourselves primarily by participating in peer groups or “joining the conversation,” as many advertisements suggest. We turn ourselves into Internet content, adding our words and videos to the quagmire of others online. Be yourself by showing that you do what everyone else does!

And yet we still feel alone. Part of the reason is that in-person friendships and communities are fundamentally different from online ones. But there’s something else going on here, and I think it has to do with the personality changes chronicled in The lonely crowd. When we concoct what we think others want, we hide from something crucial: our own truly personal, messy, eccentric, nonconformist desires. We cannot truly connect with others if we do not know ourselves.

Riesman and his co-authors proposed two solutions to this other-oriented problem. First, we need to remove our leisure hours from the hyper-consumerist sphere of media. All the effort we put into paying attention to our peers feels too much like work, they argued, and we need more free play. Which brings me to their second suggestion, that people – and especially children – should experiment with new identities and experiences. Figure out what you like when no one tells you what “fun” is supposed to be. Do something you’ve never done before. Wear something dramatic or ridiculous. Strike up a conversation with a neighbor you’ve never met. Surprise yourself. And see what it feels like to just… experiment.

You won’t know who you are from a “for you” feed or a chatbot. So put down your phone, do something unexpected, and be yourself for a while.

What I read
Notes of a regicide, by Isaac Fellman, a fantastical tale of rebellion and family drama.

What I watch
Passionate rivalry, because I know how to have fun.

What I’m working on
In search of Sogdiana, my favorite ancient culture of the diaspora.

Annalee Newitz is a science journalist and author. Their latest book is Automatic noodles. They are co-hosts of the Hugo award-winning podcast Our opinions are correct. You can follow them @annaleen and their website is techsploitation.com