Man struggles to re-connect with old friends – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I am a married man, in my forties, with no children.

My wife does a good job of keeping in touch with her friends from childhood and throughout her life, even though she doesn’t live near them and is in different phases of her life.

It’s true that it’s much more difficult for me. I have a few close friends who I continue to keep in touch with, none of whom live nearby.

Before the pandemic and two out-of-state moves, my social circle was much larger: close friends I’d met as a young adult after college plus a few other good friends in other geographic areas that I’ve known since college or before. As with many things during the pandemic, these friendships seemed to fall apart.

My wife and parents all asked about some of my previous friends, with my wife trying to encourage me to consider reaching out.

I really don’t even know what to do. I have to admit that I’m on a bit of a different wavelength at this point than at least I remember a lot of my friends, so I don’t know if there will be much in common. Considering time and all factors, I have to ask if these are dormant or lost friendships?

– Sleeping friend

Dear friend: You’re not alone in your struggle with adult friendship. A 2024 study by the Survey Center on American Life found that 17% of men have no close friends. But the feeling of isolation isn’t limited to gender. The pandemic, social media, new rhythms of life – all of this has made it more difficult to stay connected at times.

Every week I receive questions from people of all ages who are trying to figure out how to be better socially connected and how to have more meaningful platonic relationships.

Here’s what I know: It’s never too late to let someone know you’re thinking about them, and it won’t be as awkward as you fear.

However, it is important to carefully size your expectations. If you think a catch-up call with an old friend is going to fall back into familiar cadences, you might be disappointed. But if you acknowledge to yourself, and even to them, that time and circumstances have made you different people, you give yourself the space to create something new.

Don’t worry about losing contact with your friends. One definition of the word dormant is “asleep.” It is possible that these friendships will rekindle. They will be different, but don’t deny yourself the opportunity to experience them again.

Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, my husband’s brother and his wife let us know that they would no longer have any contact with us. They said it was permanent. When we asked why, we heard that we were insensitive and had hurt their feelings beyond repair.

They then stopped all contact between us, their 3 year old son and their baby. They said any contact with us would harm their children.

Attempts to apologize to them for offenses we barely understand have not worked.

Five years ago, at a family wedding, my brother-in-law spoke with my husband but snubbed me to my face. He wouldn’t even say hello.

Another family wedding is now planned for next year. I have developed close relationships with other extended family members, but I am afraid of dealing with these relatives again. I think I’ll just say hello if I see them and leave it at that. Any advice will be taken to heart, I’m struggling and it’s a year away.

– Contactless contact

Dear contact: It is clear that the pain caused by this separation is still a powerful force in your life and I am sorry for that. Not being able to have a resolving conversation – even if that conversation leads to the end of a relationship – keeps an emotional wound open. It can be discouraging and frustrating.

As you prepare for that next wedding, think about the reality of your relationship in the present (or lack thereof) and what your ideal interaction would be, given those parameters. A simpler way to put it: All things being equal, you would like to have a conversation, but things are not equal, so whatever would seem best to you.