I miss seeing my son at Christmas – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My daughter will be 37 in a month but has never been able to completely support herself. She graduated from a good university but is unable to hold down a job for more than a year or so.

She currently works as a restaurant hostess in a high-end restaurant. She has been living with her young boyfriend for five years and has no plans to get married. She suffers from bipolar mental issues and has received substantial financial assistance from us throughout her adult life.

When and how should we interrupt it?

Her boyfriend doesn’t help her financially. We fear she will collapse and become homeless. What should we do or not do? We had years of discussions with her about becoming financially responsible.

– A worried mother

Dear Mom: Interrupting him can be different depending on your goals and his goals. For example, if your financial situation has changed and you simply can’t afford it, this process will be much quicker than, say, weaning you off financial aid in order to help them get back on their feet.

Hopefully she gets medical and psychological support for her bipolar disorder. This is a good starting point. Talk to her and her medical team about independent living strategies. It’s important to clearly articulate what your goals are and what your goals are and recognize where they might not overlap. Your goals should be focused on what you can control, which is your finances.

Your hopes for her include her taking control of her own finances, but in terms of goals, it needs to be something that’s up to her. Because his version of responsibility for his financial situation may seem different than you imagine. This is why it is important to seek help and advice from her healthcare team, who can also direct her to other resources that will help her develop her skills and provide a social safety net. These may be resources she returns to throughout her life.

Likewise, dealing with her boyfriend’s lack of support must be a goal she has set for herself. But by showing that you respect his autonomy and that you are not the only option available to help him, you can make it easier for him to hear your advice about this relationship.

Dear Eric: My children are grown up. Two live locally and one is super local (our house!). One is married with young children and we see them often and spend most holidays with them. (The in-laws are unpleasant to say the least.)

Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become quite serious. We had planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our children’s cousins, aunts, and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.

Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly back to his family for the actual vacation. He was noncommittal about Christmas because they might visit his family again.

When we got married, we alternated vacationing with our families or staying at home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but I’m sad that he seems to agree to spend all his vacations with his family.

Any suggestions on how to approach this topic without sounding whiny or judgmental? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.

– Share vacations

Dear Holidays: Even though Christmas hasn’t arrived yet, I suggest waiting until after the holidays to talk about it, with an emphasis on next year. Your middle child may still be looking to negotiate split vacations because the relationship is new and each extended family has its own traditions.

Talking about the plan for next year keeps it from being a conversation about what your child or their girlfriend “did wrong.” (In quotes, because nothing you’ve written indicates that you feel this way, but often these conversations can result in one or both parties feeling like a mistake has been made.)

Instead, approach it from a logistical point of view, but don’t be afraid to stand up for what you want. “We love having you over the holidays. We also have a lot of experience with rotating holidays. We really appreciated that you were able to make Thanksgiving and it was great to have you at what time you could be here. It would mean a lot to have you here for the next holiday, but I want to know what your ideal is so we can work together.”