Our daughter is being controlled by a school friend. What can we do? | Family

Our 11 -year -old daughter is in a “friendship” with a classmate, which we realized is unhealthy and controlling. She was very shy and self -aware of the first years of school and fought to do friendS, so we were initially delighted that she had found a close friend. However, we‘Conscience That there is a coherent control model of this girl: requirement when And where they meet, Or what our daughter can and cannot wear. If our daughter goes against herIt may be avoided and ignored or spoken aggressively.

This girl does not let our daughter interact with others without her. There is a barrage demanding Messages and calls at home On the arrangements, and we see our daughter being vigilant and tense, having to respond immediately. Sometimes there is a villain, for example by saying that our daughter’s clothes are baby. Around The control behavior, they seem to interact more normally, have fun, playing And chat – it’s this Jekyll and Hyde model It makes it so difficult to know How to support our daughter.

We know This girl has problems anxiouslyand not spoken with his parents, But felt that we will have to have to. Our daughter has become more open on what is happening, and we try to support her to be more assertive and to recognize that Control behavior is not ok. She seems to understand and feel this to some extent, but so far is not able say anything. Sometimes she gets angry with us if we talk about it. We see her feeling powerless and want her to go from this situation. THE Girls are about to start secondary school and are in the same class.

What your daughter can manage a lot. It is a horrible situation. A word with his new teacher is definitely in order. It’s a shame they are in the same class, because it is a perfect opportunity for your daughter to separate from this friend and start again.

The psychotherapist of children and adolescents recorded by the UKCP, Ross Cormack, was “struck by the feelings of helplessness that you see in your daughter, and these feelings seem to have been reproduced in your answers.

You have identified that this girl has anxiety problems (fear makes people want to control situations), but it is not your work, or that of your daughter, to solve this problem.

It’s great that your daughter is talking to you, but “there is a need for more” action “from you to support and protect your daughter,” said Cormack. “This type of behavior requires clear limits and expectations. It would be a difficult situation to manage for an adult, so your daughter needs help. ”

What is important is that your daughter does not become more anxious. Furthermore, he said, “Tell her about being asserted the solution only in her, when she does not have the capacity or the confidence to be affirmed. I encourage rather that you are thinking of helping him establish clearer borders. For example, where is the ‘line’ ‘with telephone calls and SMS on what is acceptable?

I would do this: inform the teacher; Try to build my child’s self -esteem; Tell her that “no” is a complete sentence and let her train to say it in environments in which she feels more safe.

Encourage her to invite other friends and join the clubs to whom her friend does not belong. Let her know that she can always come to you to speak (and be calm when she does it), and make sure that when she comes home, her mobile goes on a shelf so that she can detach from the school. (You may need to model this.) Sometimes our children need we are backbone.

I’m not sure to go to other parents. According to my experience, parents tend to think that their child is never at fault. In the end, your child will learn that no one can or should control his behavior (not even you) and that control does not concern love or friendship, but on power. And whoever needs to get power on another person actually displays weakness. These are great things to learn, not to mention an 11 -year -old child, and they can take time. Keep me posted.

You can find these two useful podcasts: how to motivate your child; and the art of listening.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our terms and conditions. Annasa’s latest series of the podcast is available here.