Conversations about infertility are hard, but essential | Fertility problems

Perhaps one of the reasons conversations about infertility are so difficult is that people are often experiencing it for the first time without a common language (Infertility: When We Need the Right Words, Some Can’t Find Them, March 21). In many ways, what people need is not just support, but also a vocabulary to describe what they are experiencing. When someone loses a loved one, we have a go-to phrase: “I am so sorry for your loss.” It’s not enough, but it’s something. With infertility, we don’t even have that.

When people don’t know what to say, they often seek reassurance or positivity. This is usually well-intentioned, but it tends to reflect the discomfort of the person speaking rather than the needs of the person experiencing it.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s often more helpful to say exactly that. Saying, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here and I want to support you. Help me figure out what would be helpful” can feel much more authentic and containing. Ultimately, it’s not about finding the right wording. It’s about being able to tolerate discomfort, both in yourself and someone else, and staying in the conversation.
Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley
Chartered Member of the British Psychological Society

Nuala McGovern’s article captured the emotional toll of infertility so acutely that it moved me to tears, despite the long time that had passed since I had those experiences. I’m in my fifties now, but I remember vividly the awkwardness of the “well-meaning” comments, the invasiveness of the questions, and the projections of a strange hierarchy of effort and suffering that McGovern described. I also recognized his description of reaching the end of the road and the mixture of heartbreak and acceptance. Thank you for writing so beautifully on this topic.
Claire Nixon
Colchester, Essex