What to Say When Someone Tells You to Smile More

Four words echoed in every meeting room, dating app and city street across the world: You should smile more.

Anastasia Ryan has heard it all her life, but perhaps never more so than in a role where the people she was talking to couldn’t see her at all. “The majority of what I did was done on the phone, and my supervisor would always come over and make the gestures I needed to smile during a call,” she says. “And then finally I was told that my facial expressions were not office appropriate.”

After being let go, Ryan channeled her rage in a novel titled You should smile morea workplace revenge fantasy about a telemarketer who was fired for her neutral expression. Thanks to her protagonist, Ryan was able to say everything she wished she could say when those smile instructions were given to her.

The same remarks could have inspired a rewarding career change, but that doesn’t undo the damage they caused. “It’s absolutely infuriating because it’s being singled out for the way you look and for the way you present yourself, in a way that’s not equal across gender norms,” she says. “It’s frustrating because we are so much more than that.”

Why does this happen

People (usually men) have been advising other people (almost always women) to smile more for as long as anyone can remember. “Men think it’s acceptable, even obligatory, to tell women to smile, which is a very interesting hypothesis,” says Marianne LaFrance, professor emeritus of psychology and women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University and author of Why smile? The Science Behind Facial Expressions. “The gender status quo is that women should smile more.”

A lot of it stems from a sense of entitlement, she says. “Men laugh about it, as if it’s a male prerogative to tell a woman what to do with her body,” LaFrance says. People working in certain industries, such as healthcare and service workers, are particularly likely to be told that “they have to constantly display their femininity. And one of the best ways to do that is to smile.”

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Another reason people use this line is because they feel uncomfortable when someone else’s face is not easy to read. Neutral expressions can be unsettling for people who expect emotional reassurance. “It’s less about me, and it’s all about your comfort, because you want to see me smile,” says Minda Harts, assistant professor at NYU’s Wagner Graduate School of Public Service. and author of Talk to Me Nice: The Seven Trusted Languages ​​for a Better Workplace. “It’s not about me being happy.”

Comments like these do more than create momentary discomfort. They send a subtle signal about which feelings matter and which don’t. “Being told to smile sends the message that ‘you’re bothering me’ and, over time, it erodes trust, not only in others, but also in ourselves,” says Harts. “I used to internalize when people would say, ‘Oh, you need to smile more,’ and I’d be like, ‘Is there something wrong with me? What’s going on with my face?'”

When we say nothing, that says enough

It can be difficult to know how to react when someone tells you to smile more. The truth is, experts agree that it is not always practical to react as you would like.

Sometimes it is easier to respond to the comment non-verbally. Some people simply choose to smile because they want the interaction to end quickly. “They feel terrible for doing this, but they feel they have no choice,” LaFrance says. “Unfortunately, it reduces the woman to a certain extent. She was surprised that she wasn’t feminine enough.”

Another option is to remain stoic and keep your expression, letting your eyes do the work of signaling that the request is unwelcome. Or you can do what LaFrance does by default: offer a fake smile. “We all have a bunch of them, and it seems like the smile is stuck on the face and held on too long, because the key to a genuine smile is for it to be very brief,” she says.

Will the person receiving the message be able to tell? “It depends on the quality of the fake,” LaFrance says. “There are fakes that look like the real thing, and then there are fakes that look like satire. It’s staged. It conveys a kind of attitude: ‘You want one? I’ll show you one’.”

It almost doesn’t matter, LaFrance adds. What matters is how it lands internally. “I know that what I do inside does not obey the principle according to which he can challenge me on something,” she says, “but that it is I who decide in what form.”

Redirect without rewarding the comment

Different scenarios call for different responses. Suppose a family member or someone else with good intentions phrased their remark like this: “You seem so serious lately, you should smile more. “It can be effective to recognize their intent without changing your behavior, says Tatiana Teppoeva, founder and CEO of One Nonverbal Ecosystem, an organization that teaches business leaders how to decode nonverbal behaviors, communication patterns, and personality dynamics. You might say, “Thank you for your attention” or “I appreciate you coming.” » You validate their intentions, she says, without accepting the idea that your expression needs to be corrected.

When people ask their colleagues to smile more, it’s often an attempt to redirect attention, downplay authority, or interrupt momentum, Teppoeva says. For example, you might be making a point in a meeting when someone interjects, “You would look better if you smiled more,” thereby distracting from what you were saying. In this case, a neutral redirect or ignoring the comment altogether usually works best. You can continue your point without responding or calmly redirect: “Let’s stay on topic.” “Engaging emotionally or defensively reinforces the power move,” says Teppoeva. On the other hand, continuing calmly “signals authority and shows that your presence does not require outside approval.”

Or consider this scenario: A coworker asks you to smile more because it helps others feel more comfortable. Teppoeva suggests light acknowledgment without commitment: “That’s an interesting prospect” or “I’ll think about it.”

Sometimes, when she was still working in an office, Ryan would respond to comments suggesting she smiled more like this: “Would you say that to a man?” You might even follow up with something like this, she adds: “It’s not your job to provide me with feedback about my appearance. »

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Even though LaFrance prefers to respond nonverbally, she can think of some effective one-liners. One of his favorites: “I will if you want me to.” Or, if you’re walking down the street and someone shouts at you, “Come on, honey, I want to see you smile” – you might say, “I wouldn’t do it if I were you, because it’s not pretty.”

Some people prefer to keep their response light and defuse tension with humor. You could make a joke like this, Harts says: “Smiling costs more. » Another favorite: “I save my feelings for after meetings.” »