Volunteer’s memory issues pose challenge for a church – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I play a leadership role in my church. Our community is very loving. We have a relatively new member who is a dear older woman. We think she may be suffering from some dementia.
He is very grateful for our community and wants to get involved.
The problem is that she signs up to do many necessary tasks on Sundays and other events/occasions, but doesn’t show up or complete the tasks that are part of what she signed up for.
How can we handle this with love, kindness and compassion?
We have an online registration that lists a specific number of people needed for each task. If she takes one of these slots, all the work ends up falling on other people or on other people’s shoulders. Please help me, thank you!
– Try to be nice
Dear species: A multi-pronged strategy will work best. First, you might want to keep an eye on volunteer signups and, if their name comes up, open another slot so your bases are covered.
Second, see if there is a member of your congregation who can act as a volunteer buddy. Is there someone who can foster a stronger relationship with her and send her reminders about events, or even offer walks or other help? This type of service can be an integral part of meaningfully engaging community members and can also provide another caring perspective on a potentially vulnerable older person.
Finally, you can talk to her about it in a nonjudgmental way, telling her about one or two instances you’ve noticed, asking if she’s noticed it too, and suggesting strategies, like buddy volunteering or another type of volunteer work, that work for both of you.
Dear Eric: I am a 72 year old active person in several social groups. Is there a tricky way to ask if my peers have a partner at home or live alone? When I was younger, this was an easy question to ask, but I’m afraid of upsetting a widowed or divorced person. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances but I don’t know how to move the friendship forward when such a simple question seems taboo. I would appreciate your comments.
– Personal question
Dear Question: I think it can always be tricky to ask, “Are you married?” Or “if you don’t mind, are you in a relationship?” Maybe you would start by sharing the status of your relationship. We share information and ask for feedback in order to get to know people. I find that some widowed people like to be asked about their partner. Likewise, some divorced people have no problem saying, “That was then, this is now.” Those who might be offended are also free to refuse.
Dear Eric: The only time I spend time talking on the phone is with three family members.
While I enjoy and cherish these conversations, it frustrates me that the only time they call is when they are driving somewhere or taking a walk. As a result, our phone connection is often not the best and/or they get distracted.
There’s a part of me that wants to say “call me when you can just sit down and visit,” but all three of them seem to have such full and busy lives that the other part of me is grateful that they take the time to call me.
I too could be in the middle of something, but I stop and enjoy our conversation by giving him my full attention.
Should I suggest they call when they can give me 100% of their attention or continue to be grateful for having me in their lives?
– Call waiting
Dear caller: Ask for what you need to make the most of your time together. Your family members are free to make an adjustment, politely decline, or suggest a compromise. But you will only succeed if you make your feelings known.
I have a close relative who doesn’t like talking on the phone if I’m in public. This stresses the parent out, worrying that they will be distracted by the phone call and not pay enough attention to my surroundings. It took me some trial and error to accept this, I admit. But now it brings me great joy to have the intention of finding an indoor place to make our calls.
We all have our habits and desires. Sometimes these desires don’t match. You’re grateful that they have you in their lives, but hopefully they’re grateful that you also make time for them and want that time to be meaningful. Relationships thrive when all parties involved feel free and cared enough to ask for what they need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
