I seem to put out a strong ‘new-best-friend’ vibe, then I back off. Should I dial it down? | Friendship

Although I like to be friendly to everyone and especially enjoy the company of women, I recognize how easy it is to hurt their feelings. I seem to give off a strong “new best friend” vibe, but sometimes when they get close I feel cramped and back away. The flip clearly offends and I don’t want to do that, but I present it as being true to myself. Is this a destructive habit and if so, should I reduce the friendliness?

Eléonore says: To what extent are we responsible for how others see us?

Many people have some version of the experience you describe, I think. Something in them seems to invite rapid closeness, and they end up with relationships or expectations that they didn’t really intend to create. A radio producer friend of mine, professionally trained to bring up intimate conversations, somehow forgot how not to do it in everyday interactions, and found that people opened up and bonded quite quickly – perhaps faster than either would like. And then comes the turn: the moment when the other person wants more than you wanted to give, the moment when you feel like you’re consumed, and now everyone feels bad. They feel rejected by the about-face. You feel bad for causing pain and scared by the strange mirror world of versions of you. It’s all unpleasant and confusing and everyone is wondering who is at fault.

On the one hand, there is a strong instinct to say “it’s not my fault.” The version of me you have created in your head is your responsibility. It’s a weird puppet that looks a lot like me and speaks with my voice, but it’s your hand that makes the movement – ​​I didn’t say I wanted to be your best friend. I did not say yes to these expectations.

On the other hand, this pattern can cause real injury. No matter how we split the bill based on the injury, she remains injured. Even if we don’t train people – if they make a mistake themselves – we might have some obligation to prevent their error if we can reliably predict that they will make it.

So there are problems on both your hands! What I hear in your question is the connection between them. Your two choices are to tone down the extroversion that finally seems exciting (and risk not being true), or to do what seems expressive (and risk causing harm).

I think the direction you take depends on how much East be true to yourself. Both the chatter and the desire to back down. They just might be.

Or they might be part of a pattern that you don’t ultimately identify with. Sometimes we feel threatened or consumed by perfectly normal demands for closeness, not because they are actually threatening or unreasonable, but because something in our past has taught us that when you give a little, you lose a mile. A ghost in our memory makes normal attempts at connection feel like invasions. So we get angry at people who “demand” things from us, when in reality all they did was show interest or reciprocate the interest we showed them first. If your wish to withdraw is not a response to truly unreasonable clutter – if it is shadowboxing with memory ghosts – then it is not being true to yourself. This is also not true to what is actually happening.

I’m not a therapist and I can’t know if this is right for you. I know that if you have the choice between being authentic or tailoring yourself to avoid misinterpretation, you are always allowed to choose authenticity. As long as it’s actually about authenticity, not just a pattern that you might authentically choose to break.

*The letter has been edited for length

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