Tell your naysaying friends to back off and butt out – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I am a married woman in my mid 60s. For several years now, I have had a deep friendship with a married colleague in his thirties. Neither of us is the other’s supervisor.
There is no romantic connection, but we are truly best friends and we adore each other. We share a lot in common, like interests outside of work.
We text each other a lot and have so much fun hanging out or talking with each other. We are also very supportive and loving of each other, but in a platonic way. Our spouses know our deep friendship and neither has expressed any problem. None of us hid anything from our spouses.
I have friends who think my friendship with my friend is inappropriate. He has friends who have said the same thing. We don’t dare invite ourselves to social events where we might normally invite a good friend of the same gender and age group.
Is what we are doing wrong? Should we end our friendship? Is it a question of age? A question of gender? Should we say to hell with each other, act like best friends, and invite each other to social events?
I’m so confused because he’s my best friend.
– Best friend
Dear best friend: Tell your opposing friends to back off and stand down. Respectfully. Or no! They problematize an innocent, perfectly normal friendship and, in doing so, create drama where there is no need for it.
Let’s face the facts: you and your best friend have a deep connection. What a gift to find a friend in this life. You are clear where you stand and neither of you has any confused or inappropriate feelings. You have open communication with your spouses. So no one who has a real interest in the relationship sees a problem with it. Friends who comment don’t have a dime in that nickel, as the saying goes. Their two cents are therefore not worth much.
If I had to guess, I’d say you’re right: it’s probably a matter of age and gender. Maybe your friends haven’t seen platonic intergenerational friendship or healthy friendship between a man and a woman. But just because they haven’t witnessed it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is a good lesson for all kinds of situations: just because you’re unfamiliar with something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or is wrong.
So, invite your best friend if you want. Have fun and don’t let your other friends dull your shine. Maybe they’re the ones who should skip a social event or two.
Dear Eric: My brother and I are both in our late 60s. We are close and I consider his wife a good friend of mine.
I discovered that my brother was engaging in some pretty questionable interactions on social media threads. He responded to numerous messages from scantily clad women, complimenting them, saying he would like to go out with them, and asking them to send him a private message.
Putting ethics aside, I worry that these messages will somehow reach his wife or two adult children. I know my sister-in-law would be very upset seeing what her husband is doing online.
Should I tell my brother that I saw these messages on Threads, and tell him that these messages are visible to each of his “followers” on Threads? He is quite naive when it comes to digital privacy and may feel like his friends don’t see his interactions with these women.
– Worried sister
Dear sister: Oh my God, you pull on this thread and who knows what will unravel. But you should tell him. And tell him to stop.
Dear Eric: A few years ago we started seeing old friends. We meet them once a month for dinner. After a month or two, my wife started calling me every two weeks, on the same day and at the same time. We realized that they are both self-centered people who always talk about themselves. I can have dinner but I’m tired of the phone calls. I made excuses for the times she called, but she keeps trying new times. How can I get him to stop calling?
– Hangs up
Dear Hung Up: You must register on a do not call list for one person. Tell him: “I notice we’ve fallen into a routine of regular phone calls, but I find that it’s not working for me. Let’s catch up over dinner instead.”
You don’t have to like talking on the phone.
One last thing. It appears from your letter that you tolerate these dinners rather than enjoy them. Ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend your time. There’s nothing wrong with friendships growing, changing, and sometimes disappearing.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
