Parents suffering financial hardship feel guilty they can’t give to daughters – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: My husband and I have gone through some very difficult times over the last year and a half. My husband seriously injured his back at work and received no disability or compensation. We have a court date in July to resolve his case. He is unemployed due to his very stressful health condition and we spend money only on basic necessities such as toilet paper, toothpaste and household essentials. We benefit from food aid which helps greatly.

I was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and had two lumpectomies and a removal of my half breast. I am undergoing radiation therapy and have many doctor appointments.

We have two daughters and three grandchildren. We only spend our money on gas to get to and from doctor appointments, radiation, and the grocery store. Both my daughters’ birthdays are coming up and, of course, Christmas has just passed. We couldn’t afford gas to go visit them.

I’m beside myself that we are completely unable to see them all, let alone send them Christmas presents.

One of my daughters sent us gifts and I can’t do the same. I really hope they understand. I just don’t know how to tell them without burdening them with our problems or without them feeling sorry for us. That’s the last thing I want.

– Feeling guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty: I’m so sorry to read about what you’re experiencing. Health issues are difficult enough without having to deal with financial difficulties and legal logistics. It’s a difficult time. One of the hardest parts of difficult times is letting things be difficult. We want to fix it, we want things to get better, we want to get back to normal, of course we do.

It’s important to remember that the generosity of others – in good times and bad – is not a bill that we must scramble to somehow repay. People give of their time, attention, and resources out of the kindness of their hearts, or because they see a need, or because they care. So instead of seeing your daughter’s gift as a reminder of what you can’t give this year, try thinking of it as an invitation to take care of yourself right now.

Think about Christmas lists. Sometimes it can be frustrating not knowing what someone wants. We say, “tell me what to get you.” This same concept can be applied to intangible gifts. When we share where we are in life and what we need, we better equip those close to us to support us, show up for us, and express their love.

Dear Eric: Thirty-three years ago, I got pregnant and the man I was dating dropped me like a hot potato. I had the baby on my own and when he was two, I met someone who I later married.

After 20 tumultuous years, we went through a very ugly divorce. Before I started divorce proceedings, my son joined the Marines. I contacted him to let him know that his father-in-law and I were divorcing, and he said he already knew because of his father-in-law.

I got along well with my son until this moment, nine years ago. Since then, he no longer speaks to me, no longer responds to my text messages, letters, phone calls and I have not seen him again. If I call him and he answers, he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice. I have no idea where he currently lives (he’s no longer in the Marines) or what his living situation is.

My ex-husband and I don’t speak, but his photo on social media is of him and my son.

I don’t know if I should continue trying to contact him. I don’t know why he cut me out of his life and he hasn’t told me. I wish we could make amends.

Any advice?

– Unhappy mom

Dear Mom: I’m sorry this happened to you. From what you have written it is not clear that you have a fine to pay. Now, of course, there could be other things that happened between you and your son. But the thing is, if he doesn’t tell you what’s wrong, or even that there is something wrong, then you don’t have to fix anything.

It sounds like you’ve tried every avenue available to you to try to reach him. It seems cruel to me that he won’t even respond to a letter, even to express his grievances.

For your own healing process, it will be helpful to stop reaching out for the moment. You may want to join support groups for estranged parents or read “No More Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children” by Sheri McGregor.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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