I want to marry my girlfriend, but I’m worried it may upset my young son | Family

I am a 44 year old man, with a seven years son. His mother and I are divorced and I moved out when he was three. We share custody; he is with me three days/nights a week – including part of the weekend. He does does well in school and has varied interests. He is a very happy child and the most precious thing to me.

I have has been in a stable relationship with a remarkable woman for three years. She and my son get along wonderfully; he can’t wait to see her and she likes him very much.

II have been consider remarrying. All the ingredients for a happy life are therebut I’m worried This could have a detrimental effect on my son. I don’t want to introduce any confusion in his life.

Although he spent a lot of time with my girlfriend and I, it seems he hasn’t understood yet that we are a couple. A few months some time ago he heard me talking to her on the phone as “my girlfriend” and said, “I thought she was your friend. I didn’t know her was your girlfriend. We didn’t discuss it further and I was careful never to call her “my girlfriend” again.

I don’t know how to talk to him about it without doing it unsure or confused. But I also think it might be better to take this step now later, when he is a pre-teen/teen – because he will probably feel very differently then. I don’t know if I am be too carefulbut I don’t want to do anything that interferes with his childhood and his happiness.

The first thing you may need to understand is that your son’s reaction may not be exactly what you want, or it may change. But it’s up to you, as a father, to stabilize the situation, and you will do it because you care.

I went to UKCP registered psychotherapist Lucy Fuller who told me: “The words ‘girlfriend’/’partner’/’wife’ may have a different definition for a seven-year-old than they do for you.

She also wanted to reassure you: “we often forget that adults have the right to romantic relationships.”

As long as you are age appropriate, remember to be confident, because the kids follow us. “If we are hesitant, anxious or secretive,” Fuller said, “children pick up on our discomfort without being able to understand what they are feeling, which can lead to acting out and have a negative effect on family dynamics.”

It’s important to remain sensitive to your child’s feelings, but Fuller wanted you to know that in some cases, “if the parent is unclear about their expectations for how the partner is accepted, children may feel they have the power to express their immature, instinctive need to reject a new partner whom they might (and often do) perceive as a threat to their mother or father.”

“So be clear that your new partner is an addition to the wider family and will play his own role, and in no way replaces the mother of your son. You need to reassure him that you love your girlfriend, but that does not diminish your love for him. That this love is not shared between you but is multiplied to include everyone.”

I don’t know how you and your son talk best, but maybe do something you both enjoy. Approach this gently – as this will make him confident – ​​and maybe go back to that conversation where he said your girlfriend was just your friend as a starting point. What does he mean by girlfriend?

At this point, Fuller suggests you broach the subject of marriage. She says, “Encourage him to ask questions about your girlfriend – answering in an age-appropriate way – and about your relationship. Answer with confidence while reaffirming your love for him and his importance to both of you. Insist that your girlfriend likes him, but keep in mind that her interest will be more in how he fits into the new dynamic.”

And remember that children are endlessly fascinated by the practical aspects. You’re thinking about emotions, but his questions, at least initially, might well be deeply logistical.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.