We offered my friend a room to help her out, but four years later she’s still living with us | Family
In spring 2022, my husband and I was fortunate to sell our house for a profit and, with the help of my parents, purchased a much larger house. At that time, my friend was going through a difficult time, SO I asked if she I would like to move in with us and our two children. There was no written agreement, but the plan was that she would quit her job and retrain, or save for her own place and move out in six months to a year. She pays us £350 a month, which goes towards covering all but one of our energy bills. period of three months during which she was not working. I also gave him money to take a course.
She did not retrain, find a new job, or save for a new job. And she doesn’t have the money to move. I feel trapped and want it all I have to do as a working mother while she is here, but this is compounded by guilt because I know I am very privileged to have a big house and a well-paid job. I hate that she sees me at my worst (rowing with my husband/settling arguments between the kids) and I feel like I’m constantly controlling my emotions around her. Our friendship seems to have transformed into a parent-child dynamic.
I can’t bring myself to talk to her when I know she’s going to cryWhich makes me feel like a coward. Any advice?
You are not a coward, but something is stopping you from saying what needs to be said. I went to see psychotherapist Chris Mills and also lawyer Gary Rycroft.
You need to check where you stand legally. If you live in England and Wales, Rycroft did not think paying £350 could give your friend any ‘equity’ gained in the house, as this is clearly an expense and she does not have sole occupation, which could have given her the right to stay indefinitely. Ideally you would have had him sign a formal tenant agreement to set things out, so please get the appropriate legal advice.
Mills felt it was time for some tough love: for you and your tenant. “You say you hate it when your tenant sees you at your worst, but I suspect it’s your own version of who you are at your best that has led you to this dilemma; your overactive feelings of guilt and unworthiness that compelled you to save your friend from her problems rather than sympathetically stand by her side while she works things out on her own. »
We should all help each other if we can, but it’s been almost four years and I fear you are being taken advantage of. You also suspect it, which is why you feel the way you do. You seem to be apologizing for your home and your well-paying job, and this seems to be stopping you from taking action. You may be privileged, but so is your friend – she has you. She also didn’t keep her end of the bargain.
“It’s up to you to start an adult conversation about this,” Mills says, “but you have to be prepared for the risk that she will retract in a way that might reactivate your feelings of guilt. I have no doubt that you are a compassionate person, but these things are meaningless if they are not balanced by an equal ability to be clear, firm and decisive on your own behalf.”
This problem is not going to magically disappear. You say you feel like the parent: Well, sometimes parents need to say no. Give them enough but not long notice to assuage your guilt (and perhaps fulfill your legal obligations). “Don’t apologize or make excuses,” advises Mills. “You do not have to provide justification for wanting your home back.” If she cries, it will be difficult, but you will just have to let her do it. “The kindest thing you can do now for your tenant and for yourself,” Mills says, “is to stop treating her like the child she’s not. Once you realize that being hated by her isn’t the worst thing in the world, you won’t be stuck anymore.”
Being assertive does not mean being mean; it’s about redrawing boundaries where others cannot.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
