What do we do to make our home life better? – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: My 37 year old daughter and her 10 year old son live with my wife and me. My daughter shares custody with my grandson’s father.
My daughter has been sober for two years, which is great. She works in an outdoor occupation most of the time but has many days off due to weather conditions.
When she’s not working, she’s sitting in her room, on her phone, and/or watching TV. She doesn’t help my wife and me with normal household chores. She always leaves a mess.
She is supposed to pay rent every week, but she rarely does. If it weren’t for my grandson, we would probably deport him.
We sometimes drive four and a half hours to drop his son off at his dad’s house. Either she’s working or she says she’s too stressed about seeing her ex to want to.
She let her car insurance, registration and inspection expire over a year ago and most of the time she uses my vehicle for work or errands. We love our grandson and help him as much as possible, but we don’t know what to do next.
What are we doing to improve our life at home?
– Parents set up
Dear Parents: Consequences. There are just too many “can’ts” and “won’ts” here. It is important to decide what the consequences are for your daughter and then implement them. If she doesn’t pay rent, what happens? Decide with your wife, then stick to it and your daughter.
In other areas, the state government certainly would. If she is caught driving without registration or insurance, there are legal consequences. So, don’t give him a way out by allowing him to use your car. She must understand. Likewise, it is not your responsibility to take your grandson to his father. But presumably the custody agreement requires that he get there. Your daughter must therefore understand this or suffer the consequences.
If your daughter is unwilling or unable to fully participate in her son’s education, you, as grandparents, have rights. They vary by state, so you’ll want to consult a family law attorney to find out what the laws are where you live. But I encourage you to take this step, even if you don’t take any further action.
Now is the time to have difficult conversations. An environment where your daughter is scrutinized and you overcompensate is also unhealthy for your grandson. So have the discussions you need. If she is in a sobriety program, this is also something she can work on with her sponsor or sobriety coach.
Dear Eric: In the past, you’ve suggested writers stop sending cards, gifts, checks, etc., when the recipient couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge receipt. I agree but what about this: I have teenage and young adult grandchildren in two different families. Seven in all. In each family, only one will kindly say thank you or acknowledge the gift. This is not the case for his brothers and sisters. Should I follow your advice and only send thoughtful, lonely adult child cards? Even though they are all adults or close to adulthood, they all live at home with their parents. If I choose one or two (the more thoughtful ones), I’m sure I’ll be seen as the rude “bad guy”! What do you think?
– Gift giver
Dear donor: First, you don’t have to send gifts. Giving a gift is the extension of a relationship and the expression of a feeling. “Thank you” is not an expression that has disappeared from the lexicon. But we don’t give to receive thanks. However, if you feel like the relationship is one-sided, it may be time to change the way you communicate. That – communication – is the key here. If you want to hear more from the other grandchildren, you can say so. And if you choose to stop sending gifts, for whatever reason, that’s your prerogative and any feelings they have about “rudeness” are their own.
Dear Eric: I have two friends who never initiate calls or plans. I discussed it with both. We promise to do better but we never do it. The other tells me that she doesn’t call anyone, but that I can call her at any time. However, I have a hard time thinking that actions speak louder than words, that they don’t really care, and that relationships would fall apart if I stopped calling. How to combat feelings of suffering and rejection?
– Not called
Dear Uncalled: Decide which actions make the most sense to you. Are there other ways friends show they care? You may be someone who needs reciprocity in communication. That’s fine, but it might mean these friendships aren’t right for you. However, be open to the possibility that they might present themselves to you in another way.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
