When Honesty Is Overrated in Relationships

From childhood, honesty is presented as a moral North Star. Tell the truth. Don’t lie. Say what you want to say, no matter the cost. But adult relationships quickly reveal the limits of this lesson. Instead of building closeness, some truths erode it, especially when honesty is delivered without attention, context, or concern for the person receiving it.

“When honesty is just dropping the mic, it doesn’t facilitate connection. It’s just someone monologuing about the other person,” says Jennifer C. Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville, who studies emotions. Imagine, for example, that a wife tells her husband that she is happier when he is not around. “It’s honest, but it feels like an arrow to the soul – and it’s hard not to take it really personally and get discouraged by these honest feelings,” Veilleux says. “People have a hard time hearing honesty from their partner, especially in relationships that are already a bit rocky.”

We asked experts when honesty helps and when it hurts.

When honesty is not welcome

Trust is the No. 1 ingredient for a healthy relationship, says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and a research professor at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, where she led one of the longest-running studies of married couples in the United States. There can be no trust without honesty, but a certain nuance is necessary. Your partner should also have your best interests at heart, she says.

“You need to do the weighing, thinking about how important the information is to your partner and your relationship,” says Orbuch. From there, “it’s about how you say it and what you say. It’s about thinking about the impact on the other person and how it will make them feel. And that’s a learned skill.”

There’s a difference between meaningful honesty and unbridled self-expression, says Kate Engler, a marriage and family therapist in Evanston, Illinois. Honesty rooted in an authentic place “usually, if not always, involves some level of self-reflection, vulnerability, and the goal of improving, deepening, or repairing the relationship,” she says. The problematic type, on the other hand, is usually “a form of venting, motivated by dysregulated or reactive emotions, and which is harsh or retaliatory.”

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Veilleux views the troubled couples she works with as two medieval castles at war for a long time. Sometimes a person may decide that because their kingdom has been attacked, they are going to use their honesty as a weapon, hoping that it eliminates the other side. This tactic could take the form of an honest but cutting and unnecessary remark. “A lot of people have this tit-for-tat attitude, like, ‘Well, you hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you back,'” she says.

Other times, however, people are simply unaware of how their honesty will come through. “They don’t know that they are touching someone else’s emotional sensitivity and that the honest things they say are going to hurt the other person,” Veilleux says. “It’s not always intentional, but sometimes it is.”

How it causes harm

Unfiltered honesty can cause deep hurt and shame. It also decreases connection and trust in a relationship. “Why would anyone want to be vulnerable or open with someone who uses honesty as a weapon? » said Engler. “It would be unwise to do so.”

Engler cites Gottman’s Four Horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – identified by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe what they call the four destructive communication patterns that often cause a relationship to break down. Contempt, criticism and defensiveness go hand in hand with harsh honesty, she says. “These things will wear someone down to the point where they’re ready to leave,” she says. “We really shouldn’t underestimate the damage they can cause.”

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Brutal honesty also isn’t good for the person who is being honest in a harmful way, Engler adds: It keeps them from getting what they need in a relationship and creates a dynamic in which that’s the norm.

What to do when you hear it

If you are the victim of harshness disguised as honesty, there are ways to defend yourself.

“One thing I tell people is to acknowledge the hurt in the moment, even saying, ‘Ouch,’” Veilleux says. “It’s just a small statement,” but it helps the other person understand the impact of their words. Additionally, you can gauge their reaction: if they say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t mean that,” that opens the door to a productive conversation. But if they say, “Well, yes, because you hurt me first,” that’s also telling. “Are they trying to take power? said Veilleux. “Or are they able to understand that they unintentionally hurt someone?”

Engler recommends calmly telling your partner that you’re open to hearing their feedback, but not in this way. Let them know that when they’re ready to have a real discussion, you will be too.

How to be honest with tact

If you’re considering hiding the truth, Orbuch suggests asking yourself: “What is the reason you are being dishonest? Is it because it protects you and makes you feel or look better, or is it because you are protecting or thinking about your partner?”

For example, if you have a bank account that you have never told your wife about, you are being dishonest in hiding it. “It leads to betrayal and distrust,” Orbuch says, and you have to be honest. On the other hand, if you think another person at the restaurant you’re dining at is attractive (but would never act on it), talking about it will probably feel mean. “It protects your partner,” she says. “It’s about changing information and omitting unimportant information that will only harm them.”

When it becomes clear that you need to tell the truth, there are compassionate ways to do so.

For example, it’s helpful to present what you say as an opinion and not a fact, says Veilleux. You can use phrases like these: “From my point of view,” “My impression is,” or “Well, my point of view is…”

“It takes over the thought,” she says. “Like, ‘That’s my thinking, that’s not a fact, and you can disagree with that, and that’s OK.’ »

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The most effective honesty is one that is moderate, not brutal, experts agree. For example, if your husband says something to one of your children that you don’t like, don’t lash out: “You’re a bad parent!” Instead, Engler suggests prefacing your honest comments with something positive: “First of all, I want you to know that you are such an amazing father. » Then ask if he’s open to little feedback. “It’s such a small thing, but when you do that, you get buy-in from someone and you set the stage to say, ‘I’m about to say something that might be hard to hear.'” That’s better than just lunging at them, she says, which is more in line with unbridled self-expression.