When to step back from a difficult relationship : NPR

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You have a strained relationship with your father, but he has recently developed health problems and needs someone to take care of him. You don’t feel emotionally fulfilled in your marriage, but you’ve been with your partner for 10 years. You’ve made a new friend who is nice most of the time, but is mean when she’s angry.

Should you withdraw from these relationships or maintain them?

These are the kinds of dilemmas that the therapist KC Davis discusses in his book published earlier this year, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship. It offers practical advice on how to move forward when relationships with family members, romantic partners, or friends become difficult.

The book presents a flowchart that Davis calls the “relational decision tree.” These are questions Davis asks her clients when their loved ones behave in a way that bothers them. This helps them “make decisions about whether to lean into that relationship or disengage from it,” she says.

Davis, author of the bestselling book How to guard the house in case of drowningspeaks through a few questions adapted from his framework.

KC Davis is a therapist and author of Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship.

Left: Julia Soefer/Right: S&S/Simon Element

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Left: Julia Soefer/Right: S&S/Simon Element

Why does this behavior seem reprehensible to you?

This question can help you identify exactly what “bothers you about a person you love,” Davis says, because there are often many reasons. Analyzing the “why” can help you decide how to proceed.

Let’s say your roommate isn’t doing his chores. Ask yourself what specifically bothers you about this behavior, Davis says. Is it just something you don’t like, or is it actually hurtful or harmful?

Are they ready to change?

Once you start digging deeper, you may find that dirty dishes in the sink “actually directly affected me negatively,” Davis says. Maybe they’re starting to attract bugs.

Your next step is to have a conversation with your roommate. Are they ready to change their behavior? They may not do things exactly your way, so work on a solution together. Maybe you make a deal where they cook and you clean, or they commit to doing the dishes before the night is over.

Does staying in this relationship violate my values?

Your most important values ​​are your physical safety, your psychological safety, and the physical and psychological safety of minor children, says Davis. “If I can’t fulfill these responsibilities, then continuing this relationship goes against my values.”

You may also have other core values, such as the safety of a dependent parent or sibling, or maintaining your sobriety.

Would be exit This relationship violates my values?

What happens if staying in the relationship doesn’t violate your values, but you always you don’t want to maintain the relationship?

“This is where it becomes really unique to you and your relationship,” Davis says. Think about what you think you owe the relationship and consider your history. How long have you known the person? What are your obligations and responsibilities towards them?

“If I’ve been stood up on a first date, I’m not obligated to give that person a second chance,” Davis says. “But if my mom ditched me for lunch, it would probably go against my values ​​to say, ‘That’s it, I’ll never talk to you again.'”

If I want to opt out, what might that look like?

Let’s say that leaving the relationship doesn’t go against your values. And so you end up deciding to disengage. How do you do that, exactly?

Davis says every scenario will be different, so take a moment to think about how you want to handle the situation in a way that protects your values.

Disengaging from a marriage, for example, can mean divorce, but it can also mean being platonic co-parents living in the same house.

Disengaging from your parents can mean cutting them off and never speaking to them again — but it can also mean only seeing them on vacation, she says.

Disengaging from a friend might mean you stop talking to them all together, but it might also mean you stop making one-on-one plans with them but stay in the same social circle, she says.

Whatever you decide, give yourself permission to step back from the relationship. And remember, this doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. This can be something you do temporarily to take care of your well-being, says Davis.

If I want to maintain the relationship, how could I do it with boundaries?

You might decide to stay in a relationship without disengaging because you feel you have a responsibility to this person. Or, you might decide that you are happy with the relationship in a certain way and that it is important to you to maintain it.

In this case, it will be important to create boundaries or rules that you set for yourself to protect your physical and psychological well-being, says Davis.

Let’s say your father, who has dementia, is verbally abusive, she says. Your limit might be to visit once a week, then call someone you like and trust to debrief with you after the visit.

Or maybe you’re tired of your partner who bikes six hours every Saturday and doesn’t do their fair share of household chores, she says. Your limit might be to limit her duties for her by hiring a housekeeper.

The idea here is to “not try to make them change, but to learn self-care in the backend,” she says.

If you or a loved one are experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.

The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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