Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays – New York Daily News
Dear Eric: My mother-in-law, Dana, 79, married for 51 years before the death of her husband six years ago.
She always visits us frequently. When she does, she stays with us or one of my husband’s sister’s houses.
In the past six months, my millet has started to go out with another senior gentleman, Peter. Apparently, Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and recently reconnected.
To date, only the two sisters have met Peter. There is now a discussion on Thanksgiving Holidays. Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family, and she is turned upside down because there are contradictory opinions on where she and Peter should stay.
I told my husband that I would not feel comfortable welcoming my millet and her boyfriend in our house during the holiday weekend. We have only one friends’ room. Likewise, I think my sisters-in-law feel the same thing. My nephew said that he did not like someone’s idea, not his grandfather, to stay at home, especially vacation. Again, I do not disagree.
Meanwhile, Dana is upset because she feels that no one gives a chance to Peter. I suggested that Dana and Peter stay in a hotel, but Dana believes that we should be more accommodating for her and Peter, especially since they will go to our region on the train and that one nor the other will not have local transport. I think it is a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us at home. I’m sure Peter is a kind man, and my millet loves his business, but am I, or my sisters-in-law, being unreasonable?
– crowded house
Dear house: your home, your rules, your level of comfort. However, it would be useful for all those involved to consider Dana’s position here as well. Six years after having crossed the sorrow and the disruption of her husband’s death, she found a new company, which can be wonderful but also has her own challenges. It is a new territory for her as well as for you. There are necessarily hiccups.
A large part of the letter was focused on the fact that Peter was a stranger. And I recognize that it is an obstacle, perhaps insurmountable. But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone thinks here, or if it is a question of holding a space for Dana’s first husband. The presence of Peter does not move Dana’s first husband in the family structure, nor – I suppose – in his heart. She must understand that everyone cries and adapts to her own way. But everyone must understand that Dana is still alive and that this relationship is part of her life now.
If your family’s single children are not allowed to bring other people home to stay in the same room, explain to Dana that this policy must be universally applied. However, if not, do not make her the victim of a double standard. See if there is a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter to meet you with casualness. This will make it less than a foreigner.
Dear Eric: When my father died, with my mother already gone, my brother took seven years to settle his succession.
He lived in daddy’s house and not in a hurry. I spoke to him several times trying to encourage him to do so. But nothing worked. So, I finally obtained the help of a lawyer. It worked and now he won’t talk to me. Was I wrong to think it took too long?
– Dilemma of domains
Dear Domaine: Seven years, it’s too long, especially if, as seems, your brother had not even started. It would be one thing if the succession was complicated in one way or another and the process was taken in legal administrative formalities. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
People deal with death and the legal requirements that surround it in different ways. There is no standard calendar for sorrow, for example, and there should not be any either. It is therefore useful to approach loved ones with grace and compassion. But, if I read the lines of your letter correctly, it also seems that your brother’s delay was intentional and more focused on maintaining the house. It’s not fair.
His feelings can be bruised, or it may be stimulated to get caught. But these feelings are in his studies. You have done the right thing by involving a third party without personal participation in the process (beyond costs) and in expertise in the field. Although there is obviously a personal impact on the settlement of a succession, it did not need to be a personal conflict. By looking for help, you have done your best to keep this a legal matter, which should be.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
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