Wife struggles to keep holiday special after husband’s dementia diagnosis – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: My husband suffers from dementia; It gets worse every month. I am the caregiver. Our daughter calls on the way home from work. Our son calls several times a week. They have been my rock. I lean on them and lean on their excellent advice and strong shoulders.

Our 55th wedding anniversary will be a few days before Christmas. Due to the type of dementia my husband has, he cannot speak or understand speech. Reading and writing skills are diminished. A celebration would be difficult, if not impossible, for guests and family members due to her type of dementia.

I thought a dinner cruise would be a wonderful compromise. I introduced it to my daughter only to find out that her husband’s family was planning a trip to Hawaii during this time to spread ashes for her nephew’s wife. My son and my family could come, but it’s not the whole family. Plus, it’s Christmas without my daughter. We always swore we would be together. Am I selfish?

– Sad Christmas

Dear Noel: This is not the case. It’s a difficult situation everywhere. But it’s not impossible. What you want, it seems, is to feel supported by your children during a painful time and to find a way to commemorate your marriage while keeping your husband’s comfort in mind. So, let’s step back from the logistics and work from a place of open communication. This can take you further.

Talk to both of your children about how you would like to feel at Christmas. Recognize that everyone’s lives pull them in different directions, especially around the holidays. And see if you can come up with a plan together.

You may feel like your daughter chose a different branch of her family tree over yours, or that she broke a promise, but I encourage you to think of it as a logistical traffic jam, made up of good intentions, rather than an intentional slight.

During this conversation, don’t be afraid to be honest with your children about your concerns, if any, about the pressure that time and illness are putting on you to make something special happen soon. It’s not about making them feel guilty, but rather saying: “this is where I come from, this is the song that’s stuck in my head”.

Christmas doesn’t have to be on Christmas. Are you open to the idea of ​​a dinner cruise a week or two earlier or later? You’ll still be able to celebrate Christmas with your son’s family – and it’s important to have love and support on this day. But you may find that the special occasion you want is a little more flexible than it currently seems.

Dear Eric: My brother (65) lost his wife to Covid in 2023. I (F73) moved to take care of him while I grieved. He has many health problems. He doesn’t do anything for himself.

I take care of all the laundry, cooking, and ordering and dispensing his medications. He recently became incontinent and refuses to wear the disposable underwear I buy for him. There is disorder everywhere. I’ve had it up to here.

How can I address this issue with him without creating feelings of hurt or tension? I’m exhausted from cleaning up after him and I’m tempted to at least let the bathroom stay dirty. Help!

– Exhausted sister

Dear Sister: Your brother may still be grieving over the loss of his wife and his abilities may be diminished. This is understandable, but that doesn’t stop him from showing up in one way or another for himself and for you. I’m curious to what extent this behavior is a holdover from his relationship: was he active in maintaining his life before his wife died or did she do everything you do?

Take stock of the domestic conversation. I know you want to avoid tensions, but the tensions are already there. You feel it. And it is possible that he feels it too, and some of his actions are an expression of it. Without blaming him, talk to him about the needs of the house – the things you do, the things you need, the things he needs, the things that fall through the cracks. Then tell him about your abilities, i.e., “These are things I can’t continue to do.” Ask, “Are there aspects of our life situation that aren’t working for you?” » Then say, “What can we do to make things better for both of us?” »

It appears he is taking a more active role in her care. This might look like contacting a social worker, executive, or doctor for additional help. But it begins by stating the facts, separately stating the feelings, and then saying, “This is reality; what are we going to do about it? »

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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