Therapists Are Begging You Not to Ask These 10 Questions This Holiday Season

Depending on who you ask, ’tis the season to be cheerful or curious. Holiday get-togethers are like catnip for friends and family members who only see each other once a year and definitely aren’t going to waste the opportunity to answer their most burning questions.

“We’re all naturally curious about what’s going on with people and what’s going on in their lives, and that can lead us to ask questions that we think are just small talk, but actually touch on some very painful struggles that people are going through,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, California.

We asked therapists what questions they’re begging people to skip this holiday season and why.

“Have you finally met someone?”

It’s generally acceptable to ask your niece if she’s dating anyone in a kind, unbiased tone. It’s less nice to say it like this: “You’re dating someone Already?” Or: “Have you finally met someone?

“The important thing here is that it’s not the question itself, it’s the affect that accompanies the question,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts the popular couples therapy podcast. Where should we start? “The tone basically conveys the meaning of the question, and it’s no longer a question, it’s a veiled criticism or a not-so-veiled reprimand.”

Learn more: 10 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You’re Still Single

Avoid any questions that target someone in a way that might make them vulnerable or uncomfortable, she advises. It’s best to focus on conversation topics that everyone can think about, rather than asking indiscreet questions motivated by your own curiosity.

“Did you vote for so-and-so?”

This is another statement – ​​or accusation – disguised as a question. “They probably already know who you voted for,” Perel says. “It’s basically saying, ‘I don’t agree with this,’ or ‘I have some thoughts about this.’

The best approach is to leave political views at the front door. These kinds of questions can easily come across as a way to bait family members, rather than engage in a meaningful conversation. “Is this really the time you want to let Grandpa Joe know he’s a bigot?” Love asks. “Or do you just want to leave that for another time, because everyone is enjoying Christmas dinner?”

“When are you going to have a baby/get married/settle down?” »

It’s increasingly common for people to delay marriage or choose to raise cats instead of children. This may be at odds with how older generations, in particular, view the expected chain of steps in a person’s life. If you can’t understand that your granddaughter is happy without a ring after 10 years of dating? Keep it to yourself.

“It’s a different lifestyle that moves away from our traditional mentality about the direction relationships are supposed to take,” says Love. “Unless someone is voluntarily providing this information, it’s really none of your business.”

Learn more: 13 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You Haven’t Had a Baby Yet

Also keep in mind that your friends or family members may be facing painful fertility journeys. Asking them about their timeline for having a baby — which they may want more than anything — could easily make them feel sick to their stomach. “If you’re trying to create a spirit of togetherness and warmth and happiness at your holiday gathering,” she says, “this isn’t going to make it any easier.” Instead, try asking your family members what makes them happy, which might naturally shed light on these personal topics.

“Have you lost/gained weight?” »

Thank you for noticing, Grandma Agnes, and making sure everyone else does too. There are many reasons why a person’s weight may have changed, and not all of them are positive. “It’s someone’s body and personal space, and you’re crossing boundaries,” says Nicolle Osequeda, a therapist in Chicago. “We don’t want to comment on anyone’s physical appearance, but you can comment on their spirit or the energy they give off, like, ‘Oh, I see a sparkle in your eye.'”

“You look tired. Is everything okay?”

This is another unwanted form of commenting on a person’s appearance and an easy way to make them feel self-conscious. What if they had a great night’s sleep the night before and thought they looked great? “If you say they look tired, they’ll feel pretty gross,” Osequeda says. “Or maybe they stayed up late looking for work or cried about why their ex-fiancé is no longer here.” You gain nothing by denouncing their supposed exhaustion.

If you’re really worried about someone, talk to them one-on-one, rather than yelling at them at the dinner table, she adds. It may be better to stick to general questions and ask them, for example, what has been keeping them busy lately, which allows them to share a sharing space without forcing them to do so.

“Have you seen Dad recently?”

It’s best not to get into sensitive family drama during so-called festive holiday get-togethers, which involves asking family members if they’ve seen or spoken to anyone with whom you know they have a rocky relationship. These kinds of questions can reopen old wounds and quickly become confrontational and uncomfortable. “They make you the third person in a triangle,” says Perel. “By definition, you will find yourself loyal to a [person] and disloyalty towards others.

Learn more: How to reconnect with the people you care about

It is often best to deal with such delicate topics in private. Perel prefers instead to focus on questions that bring people together. Some of his favorites: “What are you grateful for this year?” » “What threshold have you crossed in the last year? And: “What does it mean to you to get together every year with your family or group of friends? If we didn’t meet like this anymore, what would you miss that was really special to you when we got together?”

“Why don’t you drink?”

More and more people are giving up alcohol for all sorts of reasons, so try to avoid asking your first cousin why she sips soda instead of spirits. “I think it speaks to our own internal insecurities about our drinking habits and the need to get people around us to normalize them by engaging in the same behavior,” Love says. “The most important thing for people to think about when they ask this question is, ‘What is going on with you? Why is this information about this person so important to you?’”

“You look different! Have you had any work done?”

Medical procedures are a private matter. Additionally, remember that plastic surgery is not always elective: it is sometimes the result of a health problem.

“[Plastic surgery] “That doesn’t automatically equate to vanity,” Love says. “We may be trying to start a conversation, but because we don’t have all the information, it can come across as judgmental and condescending, and it’s just not helpful.” Stick to the golden rule of never commenting on someone’s appearance, she adds, instead focusing on strengths and other personality traits you admire.

“How much did it cost?” »

You may desperately want to know how much that fancy new phone costs — and how your nephew can afford it — but save some money for your after-dinner game of Monopoly. “Anything to do with money can go wrong,” Osequeda says. “These are the kinds of questions that seem judgmental and invasive, and put someone on the spot, where they then feel the need to talk about their finances or justify their spending,” she advises. It’s better to ask about their favorite moments or accomplishments of the year, rather than delving into finances. “If someone wants to share, they will,” she says. “Otherwise, it’s better not to talk about it.”

“So what are you doing now?”

Employment issues can seem fraught, especially given how many people are being laid off or struggling to find new opportunities. It’s a sensitive topic, Osequeda says, so it’s best to stick to open-ended questions: “What’s been exciting for you lately?” Or: “What are you looking forward to?” “If someone wants to talk about their work, they will, she said.

It’s also a good idea to avoid questions that may seem dismissive of someone’s work and identity. For example: “Are you still doing your own business? ” Where are you Really happy to do that? As Osequeda says: “Who are they to judge whether it is big or small, or what importance or value it has to you? »

Learn more: How to respond to an insult, according to therapists

If you’re wondering if a question is too intrusive, Osequeda likes to use this guiding principle. “We participate in these conversations to make connections, and the way we connect with people is to be warm, curious in an appropriate way, read their body language, and not interrogate people or make them feel small,” she says.