Family refuses to accept father’s ashes – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: My brother died of Covid four years ago. When we flew to the memorial service, his wife’s brother slipped us the box of ashes. She said my brother’s wife was too upset to deal with it. We were so shocked that we just put them in our trunk.
These ashes came back with us during the flight and remained on our porch in a shelf the entire time. One of her children has now completed college and the other will soon be 18 and finishing high school. My partner mentioned that maybe we should do something with them during a brief conversation with the adult child a few years ago, but they were hesitant. At what point is it acceptable to bring up this topic again: what to do with the ashes?
I loved my brother, but it’s weird having his ashes on my porch. If I scatter them, I’m in trouble. Everyone seems to be okay with me keeping them. I’m usually the responsible adult in my family, so this seems obvious, but I would feel better if the final resting place wasn’t my library.
After all, I won’t be here forever either. We lost another brother three months later and I scattered his ashes and those of his pets. I wouldn’t mind if someone else could take care of it.
– Ex Libris
Dear Ex Libris: I’m curious why you would get in trouble if you scattered them. If it’s something you’re willing to do and no one else will do it, they have no right to protest. That’s easy for me to say, of course. Family dynamics and grief dynamics give rise to all kinds of conflicts.
So instead of taking this job (which you said you didn’t want anyway), you’ll have to force things by telling your brother’s wife and children, “I’m sending you the ashes because it’s more appropriate for them to be in your branch of the family. Who should I send them to?” This can be done during a conversation or even via text message. I know there’s a lot of pain involved, but pain doesn’t go away when it’s ignored (or handed over to a loved one to take care of).
It was kind of you to agree to keep the ashes, but consider that addressing the issue now and making it clear that it is not up for debate will help you and your family in your grieving journey.
Dear Eric: “Crowded House” was worried about letting his mother-in-law and her boyfriend spend the holidays with them. We had a similar situation with my grandmother, in which many family members chose not to welcome this gentleman. Years after my grandmother died, we found an entry in her diary saying that she wished they had, that because of their pressure, she had perhaps missed out on another chance at happiness after losing her husband. It’s your mother-in-law’s life and choice. Don’t miss this opportunity to support her.
– I went there
Dear, I went there: I’m sorry your grandmother missed this chance and the family missed the opportunity to support her. Love after the death of a spouse will never look like what outsiders might think, but the family should strive to empower the mother-in-law rather than judge her choices. Some readers wrote with concern that, given the relatively short duration of the relationship, the new boyfriend was taking advantage of the mother-in-law. I don’t see any evidence of this, but a good way to protect a loved one in a new relationship is to meet the person they love.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Need Help,” which customer service reps had trouble understanding. I worked in a call center, international department until I retired. Because every phone call is constantly evaluated and monitored by the “quality control department”, callers can achieve better results for themselves and the representative by asking “can you repeat that, please?” – this is a warning phrase.
You can also say “because this call is being rated for the quality of your service, I want you to know that you are doing well. But I need to talk to your supervisor to resolve this issue.”
What does this do? This frees the RSE from the call, allowing them to be the best they can be. The customer service representative’s goals are to “relay, connect, respond and release” as efficiently as possible with kindness for a good rating.
– Former CSR
Dear former CSR: I really enjoy this peek behind the curtain. After working in restaurants as a server and server trainer for a decade, I feel like I have similar thoughts when I encounter problems at the restaurant. It’s helpful to remember that everyone has the same goal in customer service situations: a successful interaction.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
