Why ‘walkaway wives’ are leading the charge in midlife divorce

When Kate*, 53, sat across from her husband Jim one evening in September, she poured him a glass of wine, listened to his problems, then waited for him to ask her about the work presentation she was dreading. And I waited.

“He had completely forgotten,” she says now. “He then spoke about his plans for football this weekend.” It was then that Kate felt the words “I can’t do this anymore” forming in her mind. She drained her glass of wine and thought some more. Years of exclusion, ignorance and interruption had finally come to a head. She wanted to go out.

It’s a scenario that’s playing out more and more in British homes. Rather than shut up and shut up, middle-aged women are realizing that there is more to life than a grumpy or self-serving husband, and are voting with their feet. While men used to initiate more divorces – the classic midlife crisis where they elope with a younger woman – the situation has changed in recent years. Today, women are just as likely to initiate divorce proceedings, especially in their 40s. And more than ever, it comes out of nowhere for their comfortable husbands who thought everything was going well.

“My divorce filing last October took my ex completely by surprise,” says business systems expert Ana Clarke, 41, from Tunbridge Wells. “I had just given up trying to change anything – he thought my silence meant I was accepting his flaws, but in reality I was slowly ending the marriage.”

The phenomenon of “runaway wives” has been confirmed by a new report. Findings from law firm Mishcon de Reya, wealth management firm Julius Baer and midlife community platform NOON show that women often take the lead based simply on the fact that they have “enough.”

Nearly 50 percent of divorces are now caused by women, with 56 percent of them saying they would end their marriage simply because they felt unhappy. While the entry of another man or woman was once a trigger for divorce, 64 percent of women surveyed said they ended their marriage for reasons other than infidelity. A significant 23 percent of women said that falling out of love was behind their desire to break up, and 11 percent simply didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives with someone they had split up with.

What’s more, the report reveals that far from being seen as a personal failure, almost a third of women who divorce in their 40s are happier than ever. In fact, few worry about being alone and there is virtually no stigma attached to divorce, with 76% of divorced women admitting they wouldn’t hesitate to start again if a subsequent marriage failed.

Husbands may be in shock after an “out of the blue” divorce, but in reality, many wives have been trying for years to get their husbands to notice their unhappiness.

open image in gallery

“Our marriage went well,” says Ana. “Then my father died, and I went through a very dark period in my life and had very little support. Little by little, we stopped communicating – with each conversation, our conflicts got worse instead of being resolved. I began to feel like I had to sacrifice too much of who I am to stay in the relationship, and that seemed like too high a price to pay.”

“My ex was shocked when I filed for divorce,” Ana continues. “He tried to correct his previous behavior, but for me it was too late. I have no regrets.”

One respondent, Helen, from Cheshire, said: “Eventually I had had enough. It was constant: not showing up when he was supposed to, not being there physically, not being available for the kids or for me.”

“I just got tired of it” appears as a common thread of despair throughout much of the report, with many divorced women reporting a sense of relief once the marriage ended. Family lawyer Ellie Foster, who runs Divorce Without Lawyers (www.divorcewithoutlawyers.co.uk), an online support group for people going through divorce, says among its members “there can be almost an excitement and anticipation for the rest of their lives”.

For Kelly Peck, 50, it was the feeling of “now or never” that pushed her to divorce her husband of 19 years. “He wasn’t horrible, we were around each other like roommates,” she explains. “But I never felt joy seeing him, and I never had the feeling that we were always interested in each other.”

Kelly wanted to travel, “but Paul was happy sitting in front of the TV.” She says now: “I chose myself. The women in my family live a long time and I could have another 50 years. I didn’t want to spend them with Paul.”

Studies have shown that married men are generally happier and healthier than married women, perhaps because their needs are more met, while married women shoulder a much greater share of the household burden. This is why, even if a man is not entirely satisfied with his marital fortunes, a “just good enough” marriage may work for him in a way that does not work for his wife.

Ellie Foster says women feel more empowered than ever because “in the past, women were very tied to their marriages, either through a lack of financial independence or the stigma of divorce. They were afraid of having to raise their children alone or never finding a new relationship.” Today, midlife is seen as a new beginning, not a decline, and the fear of being single is an outdated concern, with 71% of women not afraid of being alone.

“While no one finds divorce a pleasant process,” Foster adds, “I see a growing number of women instigating separations in order to find a better life. For many women, decades have been spent caring for others; it’s a delicious liberation to finally be able to consider what we want, rather than what everyone else expects of us.”

Many couples simply want different things, says Susie Masterson, MBACP, psychotherapist (www.ultraliving.uk). “We all go through periods of change, but they don’t always happen at the same pace,” she points out. “In my experience working with men in couples therapy, the extent of dissatisfaction within their relationship often comes as a surprise. Contributing factors include different communication styles, different expectations of the relationship, and sometimes a lack of curiosity about their partner.”

“A common combination of negative beliefs among women is ‘I’m too much’ while also feeling ‘I’m not good enough,'” says Susie. “A useful rephrasing of this is: ‘I’ve had too much, and it’s not good enough.’ While it’s important to recognize that one person can’t meet all of our emotional needs, it’s just as important to feel connected to the person we choose as a partner.”

open image in gallery

As we plan to live longer, the report’s authors point out, “fifty is only halfway there,” reinforcing the now-or-never impulse to make a difference. Freed from social or religious judgments, couples in their fifties are now among the most likely to divorce.

But runaway wife divorce isn’t all simple, positive empowerment and after-work cocktails. The report also finds that divorced women experience higher levels of stress in all categories than non-divorced women. A significant 49 percent of divorced women had experienced five or more major stressors, including anxiety, depression, redundancy, loneliness, loss of a close friend, financial crisis, and mental, financial, or physical abuse, compared to 37 percent of non-divorced women of the same age. Depression and financial difficulties were particularly prevalent, with 58 percent of divorcees experiencing low mood and 47 percent experiencing financial difficulties, compared to 29 percent of non-divorced people.

The financial consequences may be particularly severe, given that previous research by NOON found that half of women aged 45 to 65 are now the primary breadwinners. They reported a “double burden,” not only that of being the primary income earner, but also that domestic tasks and expectations also fall on their shoulders.

“Under UK law, a stay-at-home spouse is entitled to half of the wealth generated during the marriage,” the report points out. But several divorced, earning women felt their ex was rewarded, even if he hadn’t done much in either capacity.

“I work full time as a lawyer and have always been the main income earner,” Jan, 57, is quoted as saying in the report. “My husband was an artist whose financial contributions were irregular, to put it politely… In 28 years, he never bought me a bouquet of flowers or took me out to dinner. When we met, I had a house of my own, he had nothing. We have two children together, and I always worked, but I also did the emotional labor. Despite our very different contributions, I had to pay him half the value of the house and he also paid me asked for a share of my pension. I will now have to work until I am alive to pay off the mortgage and stay in the house, which has always been mine.

The report also reveals that “having enough” involves being put down, yelled at, exploited, neglected and, in some dark cases, mentally and physically abused – behaviors common to all social classes and incomes.

“Of course, there is still some anxiety about money, given that women are still statistically disadvantaged and underfunded in retirement,” says Foster. Yet despite all this, she adds, “very few of my clients or support group members talk about wanting a new partner. In fact, most come out of a divorce saying never again.”

Men can be blindsided by divorce, but for “on the run” women who have put up with too much for too long, it took time.