Adjust your attitude – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I love my mother very much but at 84 years old, she is at the point of rambling. She is still in full control of her abilities and is mentally acute, but her conversations are now filled with details about friends of friends and their problems, health issues, et cetera.

It would be one thing if I knew these people, but the people she’s talking about are people She don’t know. These people are her people friends know.

She has several friends and our family keeps her engaged, so she is in contact with people on a daily basis and I don’t think she is lonely per se.

Lately, while she’s talking, I’ll just read something while she’s talking or move the phone away from my ear. Other than that, any suggestions?

– Wandering parent

Dear Parent: I write this with kindness – my most emphatic suggestion is that you adjust your attitude about this. Yes, it can be boring to hear from people you don’t know or to listen to someone rambling. I’m not saying you’re being unreasonable. But I wonder how boring those conversations would be if, every time your mind wandered, you focused on how grateful you were for the chance to talk to your mother and have a loving relationship with her.

Without making too many concessions, sometimes small problems with others are actually places where we can work on acceptance and gratitude.

That said, there are other proactive steps you can take to guide the conversation. Your mother clearly wants to talk to you. Try to get her attention by asking leading questions about herself, her past, her opinions and memories.

It’s also good to say, “Mom, I like talking to you, but I don’t know who these people are, so it’s hard for me to keep up with them.” Can we talk about it? [another subject of your choosing] rather?” Your mother wants to share her thoughts with you; you want to spend time with your mother. Keep these two goals in mind.

Dear Eric: My husband only has one sibling. For many years we all invited each other over to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays. A few years ago, my brother-in-law and his wife stopped inviting us over. (They always invite my husband’s parents to everything).

We do not know the reason; there were no fights, no misunderstandings, no awkward interactions. In turn, we no longer invite them to our little occasions. Weddings and other special occasions are different; everyone is invited.

However, whenever we celebrate our birthdays or anniversaries, my husband insists on inviting his brother. Although I remind him that they no longer invite us, he says that he is still his only brother and that it is important to him that his brother is there.

I refuse to agree to invite them, the only exception I make is for my husband’s birthday because it’s him we’re celebrating so he can invite them if he wants. They attend his birthday but do not reciprocate. It’s very weird.

I still can’t understand why it’s important to have people at our table who don’t care to see us at theirs.

Can you help me formulate a response that would stop my husband from asking me to invite them over? Apparently saying no every time for years and explaining why isn’t enough. I’m tired of these arguments, and it doesn’t change anything. I need a ironclad reason that he will agree with.

– Tired of one way

Dear Street: You and your husband are both operating from a place of hurt, which is understandable. And you try to find a way to balance the scales – an affront for an affront. But what you really want is not to be hurt at all. And so trading slights won’t get you there.

Ask the brother-in-law and his wife why they stopped inviting you and ask them to start again. They might agree, they might decline, they might pretend you stopped inviting them first. There’s no way to know without a conversation.

Either way, talking about it puts the focus where it should be: the misalliance between households, rather than the conflict between you and your husband.

He’s not in this position to upset you, and I don’t think you’re in your position to upset him either. But responding to his request with a resounding “no” will only hurt both of you.