How parents and adult children can adjust : NPR

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Aging can make changes in the body, mind and relationships of people – changes to which many are often not prepared.

Erlene Rosowsky, a clinical psychologist specializing in aging, says that many people do not see these changes to come because society is obsessed with young people. The emphasis is on all things “anti-aging”, she says-not the realities of age.

“There is a lot of egism in society, which strengthens the illusion of control and avoid it,” explains Rosowsky.

But once people start to live some of the realities of aging, they can see that the youngest do not really get it.

A few years ago, my mother, then in the early 1980s, received a list of knee exercises to keep her mobile. “I realized that I should do these exercises for the rest of my life!” She announced. “I did not know that being old would be so work. “”

Was aging a job? I had never thought about it this way. Then, I realized that if, like her, I never appreciated much of the exercise to start, and someone told me that I had to start a daily diet when I was already steep and in pain, I would fear it too. But she applied herself and still does the exercises today.

Rosowsky, who She herself is 82, says that it is not only that changes in health, cognitive capacities and mobility arise as people age. The feeling of oneself often changes as people leave a long -standing career and that relationships modify as friends go away or die. But, she says, people can adapt. Rosowsky says that her body “does not look like what I remember because I am an elderly person”, but she does not hang on it. She loved cross -country skiing but no longer takes on the trails. She retired from teaching at a university but still does research and writes.

Arielou Marcy at home in Virginia this summer.

Brooke Marcy

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Brooke Marcy

Arielou Marcy is 86 years old and has resisted major changes recently. She lives in Lynchburg, Virginia, and lost her 62 -year -old husband a few years ago. Living without him was a huge adjustment. However, Marcy lives with one of her daughters, two dogs and four cats, and she says she also has good neighbors and friends. These humans and animals keep it motivated.

The most aggravating change with which she deals daily is scoliosis – the curvature of the spine. Instead of standing, “I’m going to the east to west,” said Marcy. The condition changes its approach, and sometimes it hurts. “It drives me crazy,” she said.

However, she does not want scoliosis to define her life. She takes some over -the -counter pain relievers a day, goes to physiotherapy twice a week and continues to attend the yoga lessons she has been going for years.

She also remains focused on the things she has, not those that she lacks. “Always be grateful for the things you can do,” she said. “Don’t continue to think:” Oh, I could do that. “”

She says that living with one of her children helps keep her positive. “I have a goal,” she said, being there for her daughter when she comes home from work and helping to keep the house and pets. The two are close.

But relationships between adult children’s parents can be riddled with exasperation on both sides.

It can be difficult for adult children to understand what their parents experience as they age, because they have not experienced it themselves. Parents can feel this lack of empathy.

How adult children can help parents adapt to change

Rosowsky says that there are several ways that adult children can help aging parents adapt to the vicissitudes of life. This may involve an attitude adjustment on the part of the child.

First, slow down and listen, says Rosowsky. Listening is the most important thing that an adult child can do for an older parent, but the average age offspring is occupied and precipitated. For anyone during a short visit, she said, why not ask your parents how you can spend your time with them? And if a parent is struggling with a change in his health, for example, she suggests saying something like: “I see that it could be difficult for you. Is that what you feel?” She says there is often a gap between what the adult child thinks that a parent needs and what the parent feels needs.

Another thing that children can try to supervise is a parent’s diet. Many people end up having to modify their diet as they age. But there is a difference between helping a parent stay on the right track with a new diet and clubbing them with reminders. Rosowsky says by all means, make sure that mom or dad have the information they need on everything they are supposed to consume and avoid. But if they continue to return to a bag of cheetahs, limit your exasperation.

“As long as a parent is competent to make decisions, they are competent to make ugly decisions or decisions that you will not make,” she said. She adds that the child’s mission is to keep their parents safe and healthy. The older adult, however, “does not want to be wrapped”. Rather, they want to maintain their sense of autonomy and plea.

Finally, said Rosowsky, ask your parents to tell stories. In some of her work passed in nursing homes, she saw a lot of people who have been pragic receiving intimate care for staff – the kind of care that felt humiliating for the beneficiary. It was a great change in importance from their daily existence.

But when the staff member asked the elderly to tell them a story about his life, it changed the dynamics. “Communication has improved well,” she said, because the elderly person was not a defenseless resident. By telling a story, she says – by giving something – the older adult has become an equal part of the exchange.

But sometimes, knowing what “should” be done collided with the reality of what we do. Arielou Marcy resists the pressure she feels to make changes to her longtime house-to purge the house of congestion because that, she told her, will make things easier for her children after her departure.

“Why should I get rid of all the things I love I had throughout my life?” She asks, pointing to an old rocking horse that belonged to her husband when she was a child, a cup of tea from her grandmother and works of art made by her daughters, who now have fifty.

Most of the time, she is happy to adapt, she says. But sometimes it is not.