My mother is addicted to gaming and emotionally unavailable. What should I do? | Family
My mother is 70 years old and addicted to gaming video games like Tetrismany different versions of solitaire and games of chance on slot machines.
In the 1990smy parents bought a desktop computer and my mother started playing mainly card games hours. As technology advanced, it moved to a laptop And now a smartphone. When my sisters and I we were younger, we joked about her the game, but we came to realize it has affected OUR relationships as She was never emotionally available. When I’m with Mom now, she always has his phone in his hand and I will play a game even when I talk to him. I never feel I have his full attention. She’s like that with other family members too and it’s become a bit of a family joke.
Since my father almost died four years agoI feel the addiction became worse. Mom spends hours spent at home playing games, sometimes on multiple devices once. When I expressed my concerns, she just laughed and said it didn’t do any harm. My feeling is that she is now uses games in part as a way to cope with difficult emotions (she refuses to talk about her grief or search for any support). But the addiction started long before my father died. I wonder what else is going on.
Is this something my sisters and I should address? I worry who does not take care of difficult feelings could come back to haunt her in the future.
Psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who is also director of the National Center for Gaming Disorders, has seen this happen in older adults, so your mom is not alone. “It looks like your mother is avoiding something,” she said. “My view on addictions is that they often start as coping strategies – a way of dealing with something that then spirals out of control. Wasn’t your mother available before your parents got a computer in the 1990s?”
Harris wondered if you could separate what you hoped to achieve: help your mother, become closer to her, or both? “But whatever it is,” she advised, “the first step is to go about it with compassion. It’s not easy to start the conversation because the game serves a function for your mother, so she may get defensive.” I was wondering if you could approach this subject less in terms of play and more in terms of spending more time with her?
Harris said of addictions: “Would this person stop this behavior if presented with a better offer? » If so, it may not be an addiction. But it got me thinking about how you all interact with your mother. When did do you continue? Could you take her out and do something with her so that being on the phone isn’t viable? What does she like to do besides acting?
Harris was wondering what your father’s role was in your whole life? “The big question for me is what is causing this behavior.”
We all have ways to escape from everyday life and some are more acceptable than others. It’s important to understand that your mom playing with her phone is a pretty harmless way to deal with something if it doesn’t really harm her or anyone else, but if she’s playing with money, that’s of course another cause for concern. I would be careful to try to remove it completely, because if the feelings aren’t dealt with, she will find another way to “numb”.
But wanting to have a relationship with your mother is another thing. I was wondering if your complaint that not managing her emotions “could come back to haunt her” was actually a fear that if You Don’t worry about it, will you regret it? That would be perfectly understandable.
You might want to tell your mother about the National Center for Gaming Disorders.
In the UK, you can get help for problem gambling through the NHS National Problem Gambling Clinic on 020 7381 7722 or GamCare on 0808 8020 133. In the US, call the National Council on Problem Gambling on 1-800-MY-RESET. In Australia, Gambling Help Online is available on 1800 858 858 and the National Debt Helpline is on 1800 007 007.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
