Neighbor is putting himself in grave danger but won’t change – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: I’m facing a huge dilemma literally right across the street from us. Our neighbor is a very nice man. Sometimes I ask him what he’s going to do with all his stuff in his garden. He just says he’ll keep it. He’s a collector.

What I see are boxes and boxes stacked all along his driveway, all the way to his backyard, leaving a very narrow passage for cars, also along the driveway. You can barely see his house because of all the grown trees and shrubs.

My biggest worry is fire.

I know that if I appeal to an authority, they will know it was me. Please advise.

– Worried neighbor

Dear Neighbor: Fire is indeed a concern in homes maintained by people with hoarding tendencies. Blocked entrances and exits endanger not only the home’s residents, but also firefighters and first responders. This is why, as you point out, many emergency response services have people trained in hoarding response.

What’s the bigger danger here: that he suspects you’re the person who called and asked for someone to make a wellness visit to his home, or that he or someone else would be hurt or killed if the unthinkable happened. I say make the call and then leave it to the authorities.

It’s also possible that a passing car could notice the condition of the house and make a call, as could the neighbors on either side of it, whose homes would be in even more immediate danger in the event of a fire.

However, after making the call, it is advisable to take a step back, no matter how unpleasant the view may be. We can’t dictate what neighbors put on their property. Beyond offering help, continuing the conversation with him about his possessions goes beyond limits.

Dear Eric: Nearly three years ago, I let my sister know that my husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. For reasons I don’t understand, she cut off all contact with us other than an occasional text. I was heartbroken and begged her to explain what I had done so I could properly apologize.

Before that, we had weekly hour-long phone calls.

I begged her in a series of letters to forgive me and give me another chance. His response was to send me a series of criticisms via text message, telling me that I was a bully and had a tendency to make harsh remarks. I had no idea what she was referring to and asked for examples. She found nothing but advised me to cultivate friendships in my own city.

Nearly two years later, I finally received a letter from her asking for forgiveness for hurting me. She still never explained what I had done, but of course I was quick to write that no forgiveness was necessary and that I would be grateful to get back in touch. By the way, our mother suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, so I guess contact with us is a painful reminder of that history. Maybe? We are both 70 years old.

Since then, she emails me from time to time, never more than once a week or every two weeks. I didn’t have the courage to ask again to resume our calls, remembering how devastated I was by his previous refusal.

I’m sad that our relationship is a shadow of what it once was. Still, I don’t know how to change anything. Asking for more seems very risky. What should I do, Eric?

– I miss my sister

Dear sister: You gave him a lot of grace by forgiving him. It is best for an apology to be accompanied by an acknowledgment of the harm caused and a commitment to repair what can be repaired. I don’t know if she made that commitment and now you’re suffering for it again.

Take the risk and ask for what you want. But do it knowing that she may not be able to give you what you really want: a healthy, cruelty-free connection. I understand that as a sister, you want her in your life. But it will be healthy for you to establish emotional boundaries to keep yourself safe.

You deserve more than the crumbs from this relationship. You are not responsible for what she thinks. If she has a grievance against you, she can talk about it. But as you recounted, she failed to come up with one. Right now it seems like you’re being punished for something that may only exist in his mind. If you’ve gotten something out of your weekly phone calls, proceed with caution. But also make sure you connect with people who love you the way you deserve to be loved.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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