How to turn an acquaintance into a friend : NPR

Sometimes you meet a person and just know: You. I want to be friends with You.

The conversation flows. They make you laugh. You want to know more about them. So you say, “Hey, we should meet up sometime!” »

Kat Vellosauthor of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendshipshas a better idea. Plan a real it’s time to go out. “Take out your calendar, pick a time, pick one thing to do together and follow it,” she says.

“‘Sometimes’ is vague,” she says. “The more specific you are, the more likely you are to come together.”

If it’s been a while since you’ve looked for a new friend and you’re feeling a little rusty, try developing what Vellos calls “friendship intuition.” That means knowing who to prioritize, how to spend time together, and what to do if the vibe just isn’t there.

In a conversation with Life Kit, Vellos shares his ideas on how to turn a stranger into a friend, based on scientific research and his work as a friendship coach. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Let’s talk about how to spot a friend in the wild. Maybe it’s in a community space or at a group dinner. How do you know if this person has friend potential?

Notice who you feel warm with, who you feel safe with. Also notice if they show curiosity about getting to know you better.

She’s not necessarily the most exciting person in the room. They may have a lot of charisma and magnetic charm, but they may not make you feel grounded.

Let’s say you meet someone who seems cool. How could you ask them out?

A common mistake people make when trying to form a new friendship is waiting too long to see this new acquaintance again. And in the meantime, the spark can go out.

There is research on how long it takes to convert an acquaintance into a friend. This comes from the work of Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas.

He quantified how many hours does it take to convert a stranger into a friend: More than 30 for a casual friend. [Those hours] really need to be compressed, preferably within the first few weeks of dating.

This research confirms what your intuition might say: If you spend a lot of time together when the relationship is new, it’s more likely to last.

A lot of times adults follow some kind of arbitrary rule that you can’t go out two days in a row, or you can’t see someone more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships fall apart.

As for what to do together, you suggest choosing a memorable activity.

Coffee dates are great. Many people default to them for a first date. But the coffee is forgettable. It doesn’t seem important. It’s easy to cancel and doesn’t give you much fodder for conversation.

So choose something a little more interesting. It will amplify the excitement, [and people are more likely] so as not to cancel.

So if you tell me you like knitting, I might say, “Hey, there’s this really cool yarn art exhibit. Do you want to go?” You’re probably more likely to say yes because it’s something you really care about.

There is another advantage. Researchers at Cornell University discovered that when people who don’t know each other very well have an unusual experience together, it bonds them much more quickly than doing a mundane activity, like a simple coffee shop.

When we do something a little unusual, that novelty catches your eye and gives you a memory you can have together. [Going to] a classic car show or vegan food truck festival will be much more memorable than this latte.

What if you start dating and realize you don’t really like them?

It’s okay to not take that train to BFFs station.

Decide if you really want to stop seeing them or if you just want to move them into the outer ring of connection.

There really are rings. This is your entourage. The next ring is for friends you might invite to a birthday party. The next ringtone is [people you’d] be happy to see randomly, but don’t look. So it’s [people] with whom you agree to be strangers.

Let’s say you have a new friend. I’m doing well. You went out several times. What are the ways to keep friendship going?

I often say that there are four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity and commitment. I describe this in my book. If these four elements are present, it is more likely that this friendship will last.

The first is compatibility. I hope there is enough mutual interest and chemistry that you want to continue. Next is the frequency. How often do you see each other? Proximity is the amount of time you can spend in person, face to face. How far away can you be?

Over time, if you are both committed, you will both dedicate yourself to the friendship.

The story was edited by Meghan Keane. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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