Couple’s happy marriage breaks down over laundry – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. She’s awesome. But a recurring point of friction and, really, anger on my part involves dishes and laundry in our house. She will let them pile up beyond what I can handle.

So, a long time ago, I started doing all my laundry and cleaning the kitchen.

I think most spouses would be happy with that, right? But while I’m doing any of these tasks, she interjects with lectures about how I’m not doing things right. “You need to put the detergent in before the clothes,” “you’re not loading the dishwasher properly,” “you need to let that pot soak before you wash it,” and so on. Really? I do these things and you criticize my methods?

So what’s his problem? What does she have in mind when she does this? How can I get him to stop the criticism?

– Frustrated husband

Dear Husband: I’m not trying to sound flippant, but the fact is, I don’t know what your wife thinks, but she does. Then you should ask him. But maybe not while you’re loading the dishwasher or unloading the dryer.

You both have unequal expectations when it comes to household chores. Not just when or how they are completed, but who is responsible for them. For example, you write that you started doing your laundry out of frustration. Do you do his too? Or do you leave that to him? If you wash her clothes too, do they come out like she expects? There are no wrong answers here per se: every couple creates their own marriage. But it seems like a lot of the conflict you’re having comes from an expectation you have that she’s not meeting and an expectation she has that you’re not meeting.

A conversation at a neutral time can help figure this out. Start by asking yourself what an ideal division of household labor would look like. Ask “what tasks do you enjoy doing?” “” and “what are the tasks you would like to never do again?” » See where you fit.

Once you’ve started to sketch out a division of labor that works for both of you and is rooted in communication, you can start talking about the sticking points. But lead with curiosity. You might ask her what’s bothering her about the way you load the dishwasher, for example. You might also decide to try his method.

Dear Eric, I am a 64 year old woman and I had a double knee and hip replacement. I walk slowly and have mobility issues, but I’m fine. What I find annoying is that I feel like I’m constantly getting advice from people about different treatments, medications, physiotherapy, how to walk, blah blah.

I’ve had it up to here. As if I hadn’t already thought (or done) that. I know people mean well and try to help, but the unsolicited advice never stops.

It’s hard not to get angry. I end up feeling very defensive and saying something like, “I’m fine, thanks. » Do you have any other suggestions for polite boundaries?

– I’m fine, okay

Dear Fine: Depending on the relationship, you may choose to be more or less concise. But don’t let an obligation to be polite prevent you from being clear.

If you receive feedback from strangers, you can say, “I know you have good intentions, but I have excellent doctors and we have a plan that I am confident in.” People tend to emphasize anecdotal experience, especially when it comes to medical advice. This isn’t a bad thing when asked or welcomed, but everyone is different and one person’s miracle cure may be another’s placebo. So if strangers insist, it’s time to shut it down. “I said no, thank you.”

Your body and your health are not subjects open to public debate. When you tell someone what your limit is and they ignore it, it’s best for you to draw a clear line.

Likewise, with your friends, you may want to be proactive. “I’ve been getting a lot of advice about my health lately. I’m a little full and really trust my doctors to guide me. So if you have anything to say, ask me first if I’m open to a suggestion.” Then, if they give you advice unprompted, remind them that you need them to ask you first if you’re open to it.

Ideally, a friend who cares about you will understand and adapt. But you may find that some people still have difficulty asking permission. With these friends, the loving, healthy – and, I would say, polite – thing to do is to set an even firmer boundary. If your health is at stake, the conversation is over.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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