10 Questions to Help You Plan for the End of Life

Talking about death should not be morbid. If you approach the conversation in the right way, “it makes us more awake in our lives,” said Dr. Shoshana Ugerleider, founder of End Well, a non -profit organization that aims to change the way people speak and plan the end of life. “When we avoid this discussion, we deprive ourselves of one of the most clarifying forces in life – and it is the consciousness that our time is over.”

There are other advantages to plan in advance. Research suggests that the majority of people do not receive the end -of -life care they want: while 80% wish to die at home, for example, only 30% do it. Ungerleider noted that those who live the most peaceful deaths tend to be those who have had conversations in progress with themselves and their families about their wishes, including their values, their fears and their hopes on the way they want to remember. These discussions “should be as common as financial literacy,” says Ungerleider (another subject than people discuss too rarely). “Kissing mortality is one of the most affirming things you can do.”

Ideally, these conversations should start at the beginning of adulthood, around the age of 18, and continue as years progress and life evolves. We asked experts to share 10 essential questions to ask you – and your loved ones – to plan the end of life.

“Who is your decision maker?”

If you are no longer able to make your own health care decisions, someone else must do it for you. Each adult has the right to designate who he wants this person to be – and if you do not do so, your condition will. “This is the most practical and tangible question and decision that everyone must think,” explains Paul Malley, president of Aging with Dignity, a non -profit organization that created the Five Wishes Advance directive, a simplified legal document that helps people express their preferences. Choose someone who knows you well, cares about you and who is able to make difficult decisions, he advises.

“What are your advice for life support?”

If you are approaching the end of life, what type of medical treatment would you like-or do you prefer to be spared? Your answers will probably vary depending on the circumstances, underlines Malley, so think about some of the most common: when you are close to death; in a coma and not expect to wake up or recover; or suffering from permanent and serious brain lesions. You should specify exactly what type of procedures, devices and medicines you want and you don’t want.

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The way you answer this question will probably be different at the age of 45 compared to 85 years. Malley suggests reviewing your plan at least every five years, as well as every time there is a big change in your health.

“What makes you physically comfortable?”

Everyone wants to be treated with dignity at the end of their life. To make sure that this happens, share your advice for what family members, doctors and nurses can do for you. “Things like:” I want a fresh and wet cloth on my head if I have a fever, “explains Malley. “I want my hands to be massaged with hot oils as often as they can be.” »»

When Malley spoke of the wishes of her mother’s end of life with her, she said that she did not want to be massaged all over her body, because it would make her tickle. He asked if she could take advantage of massages by hand because she still loved manicures. “She said,” Oh, it would be wonderful, “he recalls. “So when my mother was approaching the end of her life with cancer, we were able to take very good care of her hands.” »»

According to these wishes, it is like “giving an instructions book to the people who love you on how to take good care of you,” he adds, instead of letting them hope that they do you well.

“Where are the important documents?”

Always ask your family members if they have a will or confidence – and if they don’t do so, it’s time to change this. It is also a good idea to speak via bank accounts, investments and passwords, explains Rebecca Feinglos, certified specialist in the support of mourning and founder of Grieve Leave, a community that provides mourning support. Make sure to know who is also their lawyer. “It is better to ask the front, even if it is uncomfortable, because if it reveals that something is not done, you can do it,” she said.

“What would a good day like you look like?”

Ask this question again and again – of yourself and your loved ones. You might be surprised by the answer. Feinglos’ grandmother, for example, said she was shopping, or sat at home and looked at the birds by the window. When she could no longer buy physically, Feinglos brought her the impromptu fashion shows.

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Understanding what contentment looks like allows you to make the days of your loved ones as happy and fulfilling as possible. Keep in mind that “a good day seems different over time,” says Feinglos, in particular with the progression of age and illness.

“What possessions matter to you the most, and what do you want to get with them?”

Feinglos’ late father was a world -renowned mineral collector and led the two to his wishes for his collection. “We knew what he wanted,” she said, who allowed the family to give their father’s most precious property to a Harvard museum.

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Your loved ones may not have a collection worthy of a museum, but it is likely that they hang on to something else that matters to them a lot.

Feinglos’ grandmother, for example, cherished a special silver wallet. “I only knew that it was because we had these conversations, and she said to herself,” I really want you to have that, “she said. “” Will take it and let me tell you about it. “” In Feinglos’ will, she specifies that two of her best friends are responsible for crossing all her clothes and handbags. “I know that they will understand how much they count for me and that they will appreciate them,” she says.

“What do you want your funeral or memorial to?”

It can be particularly difficult to speak, but it is “critical” to ask your wishes to family members and to share yours, says Feinglos. You must also discuss what you want to happen with your physical leftovers. “If you don’t have these conversations, you try to guess what this person would have wanted, and it seems really uncomfortable,” she said.

“When you think about the future, what is the most worried?”

Perhaps the answer becomes a burden for family members, dying in pain or forgotten. “Our fears show us our values,” explains Ungerleider. Name them offers your loved ones the opportunity to understand how to relieve what worries you, while offering you a feeling of comfort and safety. Take aims to be as vulnerable as possible, even if it is difficult: “If you can let yourself go – even on tiptoe in some of these discussions – this can allow you to know people even better, which can be intrinsically significant,” she says.

“What kind of interactions do you want to have?”

If death seems imminent, do you want people with you? “Do you want them to play music?” Do you want photos of your grandchildren? What name do you want to be called? Malley asks. “Do you want to be visited by a chaplain or your priest or your rabbi or your chief of the faith?”

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Malley remembers a woman who described her father as the most out of the way she has ever met. She assumed that he would like to be surrounded by all his friends in his last days – but he said that he only wanted the immediate family. “We are all doing our best to guess what our loved ones would like,” explains Malley. “But if we ask them, we could really get different information, then we are happy to do it.”

“What do you want your loved ones to know?”

You may seem important to express love or forgiveness to family members – or to ask for forgiveness for moments when you injured them. Maybe you want them to know that you are not afraid of death, or that you would like to see your separate children make peace with each other.

Share these wishes with family members while you can still, Malley advises, perhaps during a quiet conversation in a cafe or around the dinner table. “Everything will be more comfortable than an emergency room or an office of a lawyer,” he says.