8 hot, new, really real L.A. wellness trends

Millions of Angelenos are flocking to the latest, most luxurious, and most financially aggressive pseudosciences in the name of health. Well-being is so intrinsic to our identity that it begs the question: Have you undergone a Serenity Vitamin Aloe Scrub under a glowing light contour mask using a Triple Hydration Oxygenator immersed in a Vitamin C Longevity Mist inside a gently eroded brutalist minimalist skyscraper overlooking a Chicken Zankou?

Is this all real? Yes. Is there a lot of custom wellness manufacturing going on in this city (and maybe even on this page as you keep scrolling)? Also… yes. Today, April 1, we imagine, with tongues gleefully buried in our cheeks, how far wellness trends could go in 2026. Whether you’re a true believer or here to laugh (wink, wink), we can all agree that Los Angeles isn’t afraid to hang on to the margins.

Cabbage core

With more than a dozen varieties grown in and around SoCal, in 2026 alone the heads (of cabbage) will roll if Angelenos can’t get their dose of this vitamin-rich, potassium and calcium-laden VIP antioxidant in 2026. Used for lactation suppression, nutrition, a pretty hat or coleslaw. Who is the “it” girl of 2026? It’s cool, baby.

Girl, it’s 2026, you don’t need to pay for all those grilled shrimp! These delicate menu items are taking Los Angeles’ trendiest restaurants by storm, offering the 5 to 11 bites of food you’ll need to make it look like you haven’t manipulated your pancreas to release insulin, signaling to your brain that you’re totally full!

FIFA for veterans

With the World Cup upon us, soccer-loving Gen Xers and older millennial Angelenos are desperate to get in on the action. Enter the World Cup camp, a place where aging super fans can step into the life of a professional soccer player without the excruciating, chronic (more or less) pain. Think of it like Space Camp… but for the “athletic” DINKs who played high school football, just a few decades ago! From cleats with orthopedic insoles to scoring a single point with the international flag of one’s choice, this weekend is all about wandering around in ill-fitting football gear from yesteryear, taking a few good photo ops and doing half-assed but serious exercises that would make fellow countryman Cristiano Ronaldo, 41, proud.

Chrononutrition

An ancient nightmare, unpleasant even by LA standards, Chrononutrition aligns eating windows with the movement of the sun to optimize metabolism, sleep, and body conditioning (so hot among LA’s multi-hyphenates). This exciting nutrition system can include fun things like nearly blinding your boss with direct sunlight during an outdoor business lunch, or shoveling food in your face from 5:10 p.m. to 5:11 p.m. If you’ve enjoyed creating a whole personality around intermittent fasting, welcome: you’ve found your people.

Live line dancing

The Los Angeles line dancing revival is back…and hotter than ever (literally). Creating stronger flexibility, grounding, and body odor, walking around in 105-degree heat is a wild, untamed feel-good moment. Do you know the steps? Of course not! But that doesn’t matter, just grab your best skinny jeans and heavy leather items and step into Club Bahia’s famous “Summer in Van Nuys Room” for a night of pure heat, lunges and Nama to stay hydrated.

Optimized flatulence

Your gut biome is the holy grail of wellness, so it’s only natural that we humans want to find it, conquer it, and aggressively exploit it. Enter optimized flatulence, the disturbing new trend of flatulating on your own schedule. No more embarrassing surprises! A simple sequence of “Substance” probiotics triggers a relaxing unconscious state, regenerating a utopian gut biome in six to eight weeks. After waking up, the biome’s newly cultivated gut flora will respond to your neurological directives, allowing you to control when and where your wind breaks.

Circadian overhead lighting

As most Angelenos know, anti-aging efforts come in many boring forms. But this time, the call comes from inside the house: your house. Los Angeles homes are increasingly equipped with lighting technology that exactly mimics the hue of the sun. These “circadian ceiling lights” are designed to protect melatonin production, a new (and expensive) weapon in the war against looking old. The best part: with these lights, you’ll be in bed by 6 p.m., ready for an evening of total darkness and forced rest. Chic!

Amino Acid Journeys

This is peptide packaging at its hallucinogenic limit, no yurt needed! Ingest a small but powerful tablet of Los Angeles-grown protein-rich amino acids, optimized for enhanced longevity and fat-burning properties, and let the amino acids take you away. If you thought the injections were effective, wait until millions of strains of ambiguous compounds arrive! They say an amino acid trip is like two lifetimes of therapy, a stint in rehab, and a fight with your absent father, all rolled into one.

As a wise, self-conscious Angeleno, you wouldn’t want to be the last one in your overly intense preschool mom text chain or chakra-balancing Zoom class to jump in on these trends, would you? After all, spring is here… well, my big confession too: these trends are completely false and totally illegitimate and – like many trendy treatments – intended only for pleasure and not for serious consumption.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Leib is a comedian, television writer, podcaster and cultural journalist who has, to this day, never worn a cabbage as a hat.