World Cup winner Kildunne reveals body dysmorphia struggle
Warning: this article refers to eating disorders
England rugby star Ellie Kildunne says she slipped into disordered eating and unhealthy weight loss during the coronavirus lockdown because her competitive instincts and isolation from her team left her vulnerable.
The 26-year-old was a leading figure in the Red Roses’ World Cup victory last year, scoring five tries, including a superb solo effort in front of a packed house of 82,000 at the Allianz Stadium in the final against Canada.
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However, away from the big stage, clear goals and obvious opposition, Kildunne says she was prey to self-destructive behavior. Now she wants to speak out to help others in a similar situation.
“Our lives as athletes are surrounded by control: you have to hit certain metrics on your GPS, you chase weights in the gym, you try to score the try, the goal, whatever it is,” she told BBC Sport.
“Once that was taken away from you, I think I just tried to find that sense of control elsewhere.”
During lockdown, Kildunne was part of the Great Britain rugby sevens team, training for the Olympics which were later postponed to 2021.
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Without access to a gym or team sessions, and with uncertainty over her future as a player, Kildunne focused on running, seeking out faster routes to try and improve her times over certain distances.
But at the same time, she ate less.
When she couldn’t control what she ate, Kildunne exercised to compensate, running to “earn” the meal her friends were about to serve her.
“I probably saw myself getting a little bit smaller, but I was always trying to get smaller on top of that,” Kildunne added.
“I wasn’t in that team environment all the time with physios or my teammates.
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“And body dysmorphia is such a funny thing, because I would have been short but I would see myself bigger in the mirror.
“It seems really stupid now, and I think about it – I don’t know why I did it. But I ended up having a terrible relationship with food.
“In the rugby world I’m seen as short, but in my world outside of rugby I was seen as big – so I never really had that place where I felt comfortable, where I fit in.
“Maybe I was rebelling against everything, but at the same time I didn’t know what I was trying to aim for.”
Kildunne first spoke about his eating problem to a physiotherapist at former club Wasps. [Getty Images]
Skipped meals and scarce calories soon manifested themselves when Kildunne returned to organized rugby.
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She suffered a stress fracture in her knee.
“It was probably just because I didn’t have the muscles to handle the force of the race and the intensity with which we train,” Kildunne mused.
As she attempted to lift weights in the gym, involuntary tremors shook her limbs.
“It was just because I didn’t have any energy. I didn’t have anything in me to fuel me,” she added.
As she moved from seven to fifteen, her lack of power and confidence through contact was revealed.
“Every time I touched the ball, the ball was taken away from me or I was completely crushed. I couldn’t make the tackles and I didn’t have the confidence. So I started wearing shoulder pads, so I felt a little bigger and stronger.”
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More effective than extra padding was an additional question, however.
Kildunne, who now plays for Harlequins, was undergoing physiotherapy at former club Wasps.
Emily Ross, who had also worked with Kildunne during her time at Sevens, assessed her physically, but also asked if she was doing well in other areas.
“I burst into tears, probably because I was waiting for someone to say that,” Kildunne said.
“I knew I had a problem, but it was something I didn’t even try to stop.
“But as soon as you say something out loud to someone, it creates responsibility. If I don’t stop at that point, I’m stopping because I told you and I don’t want you to worry.
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“So we had a really honest conversation, and from that point on, Emily became a real support for me.”
Kildunne was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) – a neurodevelopmental condition that can lead to hyperactivity, hyperconcentration and impulsivity – in early 2025.
She says this illness can mean she may be distracted and not prioritize eating as she should.
But a combination of understanding food as fuel for her sport and proactive measures, like eating without distractions and alerting team nutritionists to pay special attention, helped her stay on track.
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“I think it’s happening,” she said.
“I wouldn’t say I have a bad relationship with food now, but it’s something to always be aware of, because I have these habits somewhere.”
Kildunne is not the first women’s rugby player to highlight issues of body image and diet.
Ilona Maher, American center and social media phenomenon, told the BBC in August that her relationship with food is a “never-ending battle” to balance the pressures of societal ideals and the connections and comfort that food brings.
Sarah Bern, who played alongside Maher at Bristol Bears last season and is a Kildunne England teammate, has regularly spoken about her struggles with body image, particularly as a teenager.
Bern and Kildunne were both part of England’s run to the Women’s Rugby World Cup on home soil in 2025. [Getty Images]
Bern said she was “totally blown away” by the reactions of girls and women to her story.
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“I don’t want a younger version of me or a young girl growing up to think that she has to restrict herself, or be controlling or obsessive in what she does to consider herself beautiful,” she said.
“When I share it, a lot of women say to me, ‘If I had a role model like you, like you, you would have saved me so many years where I really struggled, or maybe I would be more confident now.’
“Or I have young people who say, ‘You literally saved my life.'”
Kildunne, whose book came out last week, says she wants to help people in the same way.
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“I feel like I have control now, that I can talk about something without it triggering me,” she said.
“I’ve finally started to realize the influence I can have on others, and I want to do more than what I’ve been doing, because I really think it can help people.
“From the outside everything seems perfect and I want to show people that no one is perfect.
“Just because I’m a rugby player for England doesn’t mean I’m a superhero. And I want to relate to people who are maybe going through similar things and give them that friend and support that I probably needed.”
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If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the topics covered in this article, help and support is available at BBC Action Line.
