My mum demands I take her on holiday – but favours my brother in her will | Family

For yearshe fell for me and my sister has take my mother on vacation. Now she has a big birthday coming up and wants me to organize a trip abroad. I have three other brothers and sisters, who have never I took her on vacationSO to push them to action I spoke with one of my brothers, who expressed disbelief At my house mom’s request and told me I was a fool for go with that.

I can’t decide if he’s bad (our father died a few years ago and she has no friends to go with with) Or if I’m the family fool. I have young children and a tight budget, but our vacations must be organized according to “Grandma”, so it ends up being a less adventurousmore Dear journey that my brothers and sisters take with their children.

A small part of me wonders if my mother is making fun of me a gentle one who doesn’t make demands of my brothers and sisters because she knows I will give in.

In connection with all this, there is a wild inequality in the inheritance that remains, the lion’s share going to my older brother. Mr.uh also helped with his children over the years, but always refused to take care of mine even for an evening.

I’m trying to accept thisas I don’t want a schism in the family and I know that if I complain, my brothers and sisters and my mother will get angry. But I’m starting to think my brother is right: I am a fool and I need to do it find an excuse to get out of that last vacation request.

I don’t think there’s anything stupid about being nice, but you have to have boundaries. Clearly this, along with a sense of fairness, is lacking in your family.

You are right to be angry with your mother, who doesn’t seem to treat you fairly. But your brothers/siblings would take the lion’s share of my rage. Instead of being grateful for all you do for the woman who is, after all, their mother too, and maybe even asking you to participate, they call you an “idiot”? Not lit.

You say you don’t want a schism in the family, but there already East one and you are the bridge that keeps it from widening. Before you break down, it’s time to take stock.

I spoke to Professor Hannah Sherbersky, a registered psychotherapist with the UK Council for Psychotherapy, who noted the societal expectations of daughters versus sons, before adding: “But you have free will and you make the choice to be there with your mother, and that’s a wonderful thing. Your siblings miss that connection, but you talk like you’re being fooled. I wonder if you can lean into it… And if you’re not being deceived, it’s more of an act wonderful generosity of yours, giving special memories to your mother?

That said, for your own mental and physical health, you need to set boundaries. If you could change one thing about this scenario, what would it be? Is it the financial burden, the injustice, which is appreciated more? How “stupid” did you feel before your brother said something?

There’s nothing wrong with asserting your needs and letting others deal with the consequences, as long as you can deal with them yourself. The key here is to find the sweet spot that assuages ​​any guilt, fulfills a sense of duty, but also takes into account what you want to do. So he may miss this year’s vacation, but plan for the next ones with a firmness: “I can’t this year, but let’s look to 2027.”

If you can find this place, you can minimize the criticism (because it won’t bother you that much) and then you won’t need excuses because you’ll be leading from the front.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.